The Wild Card*

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melissa-mccarthy-dancing

Just a quick one from me. I shall be back in touch around the weekend but from tomorrow morning I shall be wearing my Bridesmaid head!

Sadly, I didn’t manage to halve my body weight before the big event and my skin is far from flawless. My chins aren’t singular, my hair not perfect.

I didn’t even manage to get the contact lenses I was planning to unveil at the ceremony, that would have the congregation gasping “My God, you’re beautiful, Mrs Bass!”

None of that matters. I know this more than ever that the most precious things in life aren’t things at all (no matter how much toot I get from ASOS).

Friday is all about joy; pure unfiltered joy. And dancing to early 00’s R&B in a great dress.

Obvs.

*Melissa McCarthy is ‘The Wild Card’ according to the Bridesmaids film posters, hence the title of this post. I think I’m most like Megan (with a dash of Annie)

Things & Inc.

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An update post if you will, as boy do we have a lot going right now.

What, it’s Christmas and everybody is buzzing around like bees on ecstasy? You’re right, my bad. How’re you coping?

Here are a few of the things I am thinking about right now.

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  • Lena Dunham

I’m finally on Not That Kind of Girl and haven’t even passed the Introduction yet. But I’m looking forward to it.

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Sadly, the book already has a reputation that proceeds it, given the uproar it has caused over the last few months. People are forming new Dunham shaped opinions all over the shop due to some of the subject matter (and how it has been sculpted by Lena’s choice of language), but I am remaining on the fence until I have a context to relate it to.

I love her style and I can’t see that changing any time soon, but she might allude to stabbing puppies in the final segment, so you never know.

  • Christmas Shopping

I’m done! Did it all in one sitting with the help of the trusty internet. The lovely, lovely internet.

*SMUG FACE*

ChristmasCupid

  • Christmas Movies That Retell A Christmas Carol (And/Or Feature an Alternative Universe) From the Perspective of a High Flying Business Woman (Always American) Who Has Lost Sight of What Is Important 

See Christmas Cupid (TV Movie 2010), Holidaze (TV Movie 2013) and, from this afternoon, It’s Christmas, Carol! (TV Movie 2012).

All, you might have noticed, straight to television masterpieces. And yes, I do love them more than Coco Pops. Amusing because, of course, no woman can climb the career ladder without transforming into a total bitch of epic proportions!

(If any of you know of any more films of this ilk, please let me know).

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  • Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud

I am obsessed.

  • Family

This week hasn’t been easy and some new news has made it even more difficult and emotional (which I’m not going to go into) but I have been reminded that I have a fucking wonderful family who are strong and incredible people, come rain or shine.

It’s easier to deal with the shit stuff when you have an army of rock stars on your side, that’s for sure.

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  • Jake Gyllenhaal

We recently watched Nightcrawler and I really enjoyed it. Following the last of Jake’s films I absolutely loved, Enemy and Prisoners, he’s now pretty much my favourite. Such a talented (and fit) actor.

Nightcrawler follows creepy Louis Bloom into LA’s underground as he becomes interested, and then really quite good at, the business of crime journalism.

  • Ready Player One (the Movie)ready-player-one

OMG this book is fantastic and so completely up my alleyway, that I #canteven! But if I could, I would tell you that the fact that Christopher Nolan has been offered the film version of it is knicker-wettingly exciting and I squeaked a little when I heard.

Cannot wait.

(Even though the scriptwriter has admitted to have taken ‘liberties’ with the original source material, so you know, boo to that).

So, that’s me. I hope you’re all doing well and enjoying the lead up to Christmas. I’m not feeling that merry yet, I have to say but that has to be because I haven’t seen enough Christmas movies yet (I accept non-Dickensian rehashes too). Soon to be rectified, I hope.

It’s Been Emoji-nal

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Last night I dreamt I was the best-selling author of the only Emoji Dictionary. That’s how much of a modern gal I am.

On waking, I was dismayed to realise it was in fact all a fantasy knocked up by my subconscious, but honestly, if there isn’t already such a thing, why can’t I be the one to make it come to fruition?

COPYRIGHT©!!!

I bloody love an emoji, or emoticon as some people who aren’t me call it. Why spend an age trying to find the words when a steaming (smiling) pile of shit can do it for me? Love something? Heart eyes! Feeling sick? DEAD FACE. The list of lazy, one image answers to every life question is endless and no, I’m not even sorry about that.

Which is weird as I am not a lover, on the other hand, of the abbreviation. Unless used in the very loosest, ironic sense. Confusing this whole techno no-no, yes-no; I don’t even know malarkey, isn’t it?

Anyway, since it is Sunday and I am kicking my heels until it is time to go to my BFF’s to watch Love Actually, I thought I would share an exert from the soon to be global phenomenon that is the Emojionary. You like?

Here are a few of my favourites (and most used):

persons-0007_largeHeart Eyes – As previously mentioned, this is the “Omigod I LOVE it” shortcut. Designed for fashion items and beauty products of exceptional interest, Heart Eyes is also the best way to make it known that your friends are cute little buggers who are like, totes adorable.

Mr Poo – I hate toilet humour most of the time, certainly of the fecal orpersons-0090_large vomity variety but on a few occasions, there is nothing more poetic than this little guy. He’s so content and comfortable in his own skin (?).

persons-0140_largeNailz did – Well, of course this is overused in my world. In answer to “What are you doing tonight?”, it’s a must. Also to sign off on conversations where you have agreed to do someone’s nails. It’s like a little business stamp, but pretty.

PicMonkey Collage

Autumn Leaves – I just love it when the Season changes from Indian Summer (when we’re lucky) into Autumn. This is when these little scamps come into play. “Would you like to go for an Autumny stroll and then have hot chocolate?” calls for the holy trinity.

0760Kissy Face/Winky Kissy Face – What better way to share your adoration for your loved ones that Kissy Face? Activate the winky one if you’re feeling particularly amorous/cheeky.

Pizza and/or all other fast food related emojis – Hands down myobjects-0182_large favourite emoji action comes from the foodie ones. The fruits are up there with the best of them, as they make a message light up like Carmen Miranda’s g-string; but the burgers and fries and pizzas are truly magical. Usually used to illustrate the perfect Friday night in, these emoji bad boys are probably used with the most relish (Geddit?!).

0740Rictus Grin – For when you suspect you’ve gone too far and have to frantically pull it back. Otherwise known as dressing up an insult/criticism as a joke.

Applause – For when someone has been a clever little sausage, or haspersons-0122_large said something really cool. Though, there is a dark side to the Applause emoji: the slow clap, which is not a compliment and is overused in messages to stupid people. Beware.

True Love Heart – Self-explanatory and reserved only for your verypersons-0180_large bestests.

persons-0136_largePatting Hair Woman – I hear this woman is an Information Desk Clerk of some description, which I don’t see at all. To me she is patting her helmet hair sassily, having just owned someone like a BOSS.

Muscular Arm (which could be a chicken drumstick) – I always feel itpersons-0123_large appropriate to use this when talking about something that means a lot to me. See feminism, gay rights, anything like that. It signifies strength and I like that it isn’t gender specific. It could do with a whopping great tattoo on it though, but that’s my personal preference.

Which leads me into a rant about the emojis we don’t yet have. I mean come on Emoji Makers of the World, really no unicorn?

I propose the following as soon as possible:

Unicorn (as mentioned)
Mermaid
Cup of tea
Tea pot
Beardy man
Tattoo and/or tattooed person
Two hands making the universal heart shape
A finger flipping the bird
A willy (everybody needs a penis every once in a while to convey how their boss is behaving, right?)
A hand holding a cigarette in a cigarette holder (for an old school glamour injection)

Which ones are your favourites? And are there any emojis you’d like to see? Perhaps I can put a word in for you with the EMOTW when I meet them.

 

 

 

 

Bridesmaids

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Is this image a spoiler alert?

Is this image a spoiler alert?

I can hardly believe I haven’t talked about THE BEST NEWS yet. I started to tip tap up a little post about this very thing a few months back but couldn’t find the appropriate words at the time to say how happy I am about it.

And then, something happened, and the thing I am going to tell you about now was brought forward and here I am with it looming in a big fabulous way and I am excited but also dead nervous! What am I like?

I’M GOING TO BE A BRIDESMAID!

A big fat, fabulous bridesmaid, finally! It’s so exciting. Back in the Summer, I was having a seemingly innocuous conversation with my Sister in Law to be, when she slipped in the question. Second best question I have ever been asked, if I’m honest. Well, not including the age-old: “Would you like a cup of tea?” obviously.

So I’m a bridesmaid in less than three weeks and it’s going to be great. I have an a-m-a-z-i-n-g dress that I was allowed to pick myself, a h-u-g-e petticoat of epic proportions (and the one I wore to my own wedding) and I can’t wait.

I’m not nearly as trim as I had hoped to be, since it’s been brought forward five months, but really, who fucking cares? So I could have been a dress size smaller with more time but does it really matter? Sure, less chins in the photos would have been nice but I can’t spend my life hating on myself, missing out of brilliantly fun times. Thin doesn’t necessarily mean better after all.

I’m refusing to sweat the small stuff. Besides, the shoes I’m wearing make me super tall and it stretches everything else out in the end. Just so long as I don’t fall on my arse, right?

My brother and his wife are already married, having tied the knot at City Hall, NYC in October. This is the ceremony for the people who couldn’t make that event (my family included) and so it’s kind of a big deal.

Instead of a traditional ceremony, it will be a tying of the hands, with a friend officiating. I’m doing the reading while they’re tied together! How cool is that?

Growing up I was always so jealous of friends who got to put on (admittedly hideous) dresses and be bridesmaids and flower girls. Our family isn’t the largest in the world, and there were never that many weddings going on, so I was never asked. Plus I was a total klutzy hot mess so there’s no guarantee I even would’ve been, even by default.

Now I’m older, most of my close friends are yet to be betrothed (I can’t wait for them to start, if that’s what they want to do) and so I’ve not been asked by them either. So I was beginning to wonder if this old broad (me) would ever get to have her moment in the sun.

And now it’s finally happening! I can’t wait to spend some time with the other maids and soak up the lovely atmosphere. My new sister is a joy and a very welcome addition to the family dynamic, so this will be a nice way to celebrate that too.

I will follow this up with some images and detail nearer the time but for now know I am buzzing. It’s going to be a lovely lead into Christmas, in a gorgeous little sea-side town – and everything will be so full of love. My favourite thing in the whole world.

Now, I’m off to put my contribution to the party playlist together. Life of a bridesmaid, bitches!

 

Sad Happy

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I’m so sick. Again.tumblr_ndwzxopc701r5gmiko1_500

Just as I was weaning myself off liquid centered throat sweets (cherry, natch), I caught another cold and this one’s a doozy. I feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man has taken up twerking in my brain.

I’ve had a shower, I’ve watched a film Mr B would hate whilst shoveling Chocolate Orange segments into my face (he’s gone bowling). I have tea; and I’ve talked to my mum on the phone.

I’ve done all my comfort bits and even though my eyes and nose are still leaking, I feel okay.

My grandfather passed away last weekend. It was to be expected for a 98 and a half-year old but the truth about life is that you are never that prepared. Expecting things to come almost adds a new level of panic to the event when it does arrive, like you’ve had too much time to think about how you will feel and how you will react.

We’re all pretty sad. I’m sadder than I thought I would be. He’s been such a huge part of all our lives forever, in good and bad ways. And now he’s gone and that’s a big thing. I’ve talked about him before. I was truthful but not very kind.

And now he’s gone, it doesn’t feel that good. It’s sad. Sad for him, mostly.

When people die it’s normal to think hard about your own mortality. This makes me think about my legacy. Who will I be when I’m old? Will I still be a decent person? Will I be missed?

I hope nobody says I am better off gone. I hope when I do toddle off this mortal coil people will at least say that I was funny. Or sweet.

Nice is a bit boring, but if that’s what my legacy is destined to be then so be it. I can live with nice.

But don’t think I’m sitting home crying into my comforter. Well, I am crying into my comforter but it’s because of my cold, not sorrow.

37 is Magic

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IMG_20141125_092726Today I cracked out a quote by Noel Coward, not knowing it was by Noel Coward, that almost got me into trouble. About a very cute (but young) new staff member: “Have him washed and sent to my room!”.

Apparently, the actual quote is: “Have him shaved, oiled and brought to my tent.” So there is that.

Today is my birthday and I have been very spoilt. I feel loved and cared for, and although I feel that way a lot because I am a lucky so and so, it’s nice to be reminded of it on your special day.

I am typing this with an inflatable golden crown upon my head. I have had cake for breakfast and a few people have proclaimed me too youthful looking to be 37. Alas, I am 37 but if this is what being that old means, I’ll take it.

I am young and old at the same time, standing on the right side of a life of experience, ready to wade into the next. I am loved and I love, the two most important things in life. For a little while I wondered if this would ever be possible but now I know, all those times I despaired of myself and of my situation, they were only markers by which to measure the rest of my life. The good times, the challenging and the peaceful.

I am happier now than I have ever been. Even Idris Elba wrapped in a silky bow couldn’t lead me away from the life I have (but I’d like him to try).

My desk is covered in pink glitter. It’s everywhere. On my face, on my keyboard keys, my phone; and all over my life, a modern twist on a Winter landscape.

Magic.

Cue the Violins

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If your life were a movie, what would its soundtrack be like? What songs, instrumental pieces, and other sound effects would be featured on the official soundtrack album? Via The Daily Post (21st November 2014)

tumblr_naa2ac3rpn1r2x63jo1_500If my life had a soundtrack, I hope it would be make me feel exactly like Pitch Perfect‘s does. You know, good.

I’m all about feeling good and being stirred. I love an anthem. I like to listen to songs that make me imagine myself in certain scenarios. A dance off in the aisle of the night bus with twenty strangers, for example.

Showing an old (and beautiful) ex-boyfriend how amazing life has been without him. The high school reunion I couldn’t bear to attend in real life. Am the only person who does this?

Don’t expect anything too high brow from the Soundtrack of my Life. You would get some Shaggy, ‘Superfreak‘ by Rick James, a bit of Prince (because who can stay still when Prince is up?). You’d get Alanis Morissette because ‘Jagged Little Pill‘ was amazing.

You’d get the very best of The Cure, epecially ‘Close to You‘. Depeche Mode’s ‘Strange Love (Blind Mix)‘ would swing by and hold hands with The Smiths.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out‘ is my favourite and would therefore play whenever I gazed upon my true love. ‘Milkshake‘ would be my personal theme tune whenever I entered the frame. Or maybe I would prefer ‘Edge of Seventeen‘?

A bit of ‘Faith‘. A lot of Spice Girls. ‘Express Yourself‘ by Madonna. ‘What It Feels Like For a Girl‘ too.

How is it even possible to choose what 12 songs? My life would have to be a trilogy, at least, just to fit it all in.

What about you?

In other news, it’s the weekend before my birthday and I’m heading back ‘home’ tonight. It’ll be very family heavy and that’s exactly what I want and need this year.

Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I want good company and quality time rather than drunken debauchery or, more likely, self-loathing because I’m no longer young.

Happy Friday all!

Second Hand Stories

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What’s the best story someone else has recently told you (in person, preferably)? Share it with us, and feel free to embellish — that’s how good stories become great, after all. Via The Daily Post Daily Prompt (2nd November 2014)

I stumbled across this prompt a couple of weeks ago and loved it. I have so far not been able to find the motivation to write it though. Perhaps today is the day.

My best friend, Panda and I laugh about my favourite story a lot and I don’t know why it tickles us so much. Yes, it’s about Tom Hanks, who we love more than we love our own families (not really, we love him like family) but it’s also quite dark and very sad.

NB: I should state here that I didn’t hear this in person recently, it was several years ago and found by accident online. I can’t for the life of me remember where or who or why I ended up with this information but the important thing is that I did.

Wanna hear it?

My story goes like this. Tom Hanks was killed in the 9/11 terrorist attack back in 2001. He was, for some reason, in one of the towers when it came down.

Once discovered by the ‘Powers That Be’ who run Hollywood, but miraculously nobody else in the world, a meeting was held (I’m embellishing now) in a plush office at an undisclosed location somewhere in California. Earl Grey and pink donuts were served.

The PTB were so concerned that the movie industry would never recover from such a tragic and gargantuan loss that they decided that nobody else could ever know (bar the Hanks family, one presumes).

Instead, they would create a hologram of The King of Hollywood, who would continue to make movies, television appearances, produce in name as normal and even appear on the red carpet; as if nothing had happened.

Unfortunately, it was leaked and recorded on the web, thus taking its place as my very favourite conspiracy theory of all time. Even better than the one about Whitney Houston being sacrificed so Blue Ivy could exist (a soul for a soul, bitches). God, I have issues.

The thing is, I look now and I can’t find the original source. I mention it to people and they’ve never heard it. So did I imagine my own conspiracy theory? And if I did, what on earth does that say about me?

Or… am I the only other person in the world to have accidentally read this story in the few seconds it took for the ninjas to crash through the roof of the culprit’s condo and rip it out of existence forever?

Personally, I think the fact that this story has been removed from The Internet is suspicious in itself. Therefore, clearly true.

I love Tom more than anything, so of course I would prefer my Hanks alive and kicking, however did you ever hear such a fantastic tale? I never have since.

And, lest you think my internet digging was fruitless, I have to say here that if you type into Google ‘Tom Hanks Conspiracy Theory’, you will find some absolute gems.

The theory that Tom Hanks has never existed because ALIENS is sheer perfection.

Thoughts?

Naked

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Frankly I felt the cover needed just one addition

This week Kim Kardashian West attempted to #breaktheinternet with the release of some rather grand photographs of her butt.

Shot by Jean-Paul Goude for Paper magazine, the cover (right) pays homage to her famous derriere. Dig a little deeper (as if you’re not interested) and you will witness Kiki ‘re-imagining’ Goude’s best known image “Caroline Beaumont, New York, 1976“.

The Internet seems to still be in tact, just about, but what of all the minds blown by the photographs themselves? People are amused, shocked, disgusted, outraged, curious, excited and royally pissed off by the images.

Kimmy has been the butt (pun intended) of many jokey tributes (including some frankly creepy/unflattering ones) and criticised all over the shop for being a bad feminist, a bad mother and yet again a talent-less, plastic nobody. So far I believe she has turned the other cheek (!!) and I hope that she continues to do so.

NB: Kim did tweet this following release of the pictures:

Who says she isn't self-aware?

Who says she isn’t self-aware?

What has all those knickers in a twist really, though? Is it the nudity, or the apparent Photoshopping? Is it the ‘pointlessness’ of it all? Or is it just that it’s Kim having the audacity to celebrate how bloody hot she is?

I know it’s a broad topic and one that has so many arguments but this post is really about butt appreciation from my point of view, so I shall take it from here, guys.

(And a bit of KK appreciation, if I’m honest. Another Proud Pleasure).

Click on image to enlarge

Click on image to enlarge

Kimmy, in general, to me is something special. I know where she began, what she has done (who doesn’t? She’s kindly documented almost every aspect of her life for us). I know that technically she doesn’t have a ‘talent’ (singer/baker/candlestick maker), but what if her talent is having a work ethic that would make a mere mortal weep?

What if her super power is having the ability to continually pick herself up, dust herself off and turn all her mistakes into gold? Those are talents I can get behind.

I like Kim, love Keeping Up with The Kardashians and I like Kim’s body too. She looks sensational almost all the time and she’s banging, dammit.

I’m not into body shaming, all bodies types are fine with me and I appreciate the female form as much as the next person. I love seeing curvy women celebrating their curvaceousness as much as I like seeing svelte women representing my favourite designers on the catwalk.

Personally, I don’t have anything against the use of thin women to promote anything as long as there is a visible alternative. How heavenly it would be to see those alternatives in the mainstream, and not just as an afterthought. But that’s a whole other topic for another time.

I’m voluptuous and trying to be proud of that. I’m unlikely to ever be quite as banging as Mrs West (shocker), but as a short woman with a small waist and a big old booty, she is closer to my body type any day than the Keira Knightleys of this world (love her). So why not be happy to see that in all its glory? I sure as shit am!

In another shot within Kim’s issue of Paper, we get to see her full frontal. No, I don’t really see the big deal. It’s just a pair of (great) boobs and very smooth private parts (a fitting tribute to the work of her waxer). She is young and looks amazing. Her pose is playful and proud, not even particularly sexual.

Cheeky ;p

Cheeky ;p

But she’s a mother, say some? Heaven forbid that she teach North to be proud of her body as she grows up. That would be awful. North will see these images one day and you know what? By then Kim will have had the talk with her that explains some of the decisions that she made, that have made her who she is today.

Trust me, North is going to have a more complex time wrapping her head around the cult of celebrity, reality television, Daddy Kanye and the Kardashian Family en masse. Nakedness and an infamous bum are going to be the least of it.

Yes, this is a simplistic view. Yes, the photographs look heavily Photoshopped, thus giving us mere mortals yet another unrealistic ideal to aim toward. We’ve long known that pretty much every cover, every photograph we see in fashion magazines has had the same work. It’s part and parcel of the fashion industry and will hopefully change one day.

Had Kim stood up there in all her natural, oiled goodness with her butt at an angle to emphasise its ripeness would she still have got it in the neck?

But, of course.

Thoughts? Can you add to this conversation?

None of the photographs within this post belong to me.

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