I’m not going to lie, this week has been a little bitch.
I never blog about work and I’m not about to start now. Not out of loyalty but because, even though I like my job, I don’t really consider it ‘who I am’.
Who am I though really? I like to think I’m just a cool (ish) girl who loves people. And her life.
The job is necessary and can be fun sometimes but the landscape has changed considerably over the last three months and I seem to now juggle stress with feelings of total inadequacy. Otherwise known as Imposter Syndrome.
I’ve also made a new friend called Anxiety in my more recent years and she’s kind of tough to live with.
Anyway, I’m not sleeping very well at the moment and I don’t even care about eating that much, which is a sure sign I need to sort it out.
Whenever I’m alone with my thoughts That Bitch Anxiety just whispers to me. About how shit I am and how I’m going to fail spectacularly and embarrassingly.
I actually had to admit to being overwhelmed yesterday and it helped for a while but now all I can see is a massive list of things I have to do next week that all depend on other people.
I’m basically the shepherd in this scenario with a flock of techy sheep that annoy the crap out of me.
I want out.
How do you claw your way out of a boiling pot of insecurity?
How do you ask for help when you’re so used to just getting on with it?
How the fuck do you deal with this horrible disorder?
I’m going to sign out on a positive note with this: the rest of my life is grand. In the grand scheme of things, I have everything I need and I know I’m a smart cookie in general. I am loved and there’s a lot to be grateful for.
I don’t want to have my job define my behaviours when I’m not there so as soon as this project is done, I’m going to have a strong think about where I go from here.
That’s if I’m not fired/haven’t run screaming from the building first.
Ps. A shout-out to wifey, Jill who also had a fucking terrible week. We’ve together decided that there’s a way to deal with this shit and it’s to take the Femme Fatale approach to life (I’ll blog more about that later).
We’re celebrating with a viewing of Laura this weekend (post up Tuesday night) so who knows – come Monday maybe I’ll put up my hair in a chignon, slap on my best lippy and rugby tackle that motley crew/task list to the ground, and with a whole new attitude.
*lights cigarette and blows three perfect smoke rings out of the abyss*
(Relax it’s fake).