All Cheerleaders Die (Film) Review

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Alternative poster by Valentine M. Smith (who is amazing)

Jillian and I are back!

We’ve both enjoyed a couple of weeks break, in which we met irl, hung out extensively and even watched this – but we are both really glad to be getting back into our movie watching/sniping seats.

We’re doing High School Movies for June and I think (hope) we’re starting with a right banger.

Let’s get to it. *As always SPOILERS, Baby!*

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

Director: Lucky McKee, Chris Sivertson
Stars: Sidney Allison, Charon. R Arnold, Shay Astar

IMDB Synopsis: A rebel girl signs up a group of cheerleaders to help her take down the captain of their high school football team, but a supernatural turn of events thrusts the girls into a different battle.

My Review: 

Cheerleaders starts off as a shaky cam movie which I sort of love though it can quickly become irritating. Don’t worry, this style is only used in the first segment, as we’re introduced to a handful of characters and the scene is set for the rest of the story.

3
You’re a pain in the neck, Alexis

Maddy (Caitlin Stasey) is following Head Cheerleader and Queen Bee Alexis (Felisha Cooper) around with her camcorder. It’s not clear really why, just a day in the life, I guess. It’s more surprising that Maddy would want to be friends with her, since Alexis is a horrible cheerleader cliché (conceited, mean) and Maddy has dark hair and glasses, so is therefore smart and above it all.

Before this movie gets too tired out by the done a million times before bitchy cheerleader trope, karma bites Alexis on the arse and she’s toast. She has to be for the rest of the story to progress.

Three months later, and the squad have left enough time to respectfully start looking for Alexis’ replacement, although natural hierarchy means Tracy (Brooke Butler) has stepped up as new leader. She’s already banging Terry (Tom Williamson), Captain of the football team (who knew?) and Alexis’ ‘grieving’ boyfriend. It’s almost as though she already had designs on him… *gasp*!

Tracy doesn’t seem quite as bad as Alexis but is still pretty sassy. The main squad consists of Tracy, Christian good girl Martha (Reanin Johannink) and her little sister Hanna (Amanda Grace Cooper), who’s the team mascot.

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“I’m, like, well good at pyramids and shit.”

Maddy for some reason auditions to be part of the squad even though they kind of blame her for Alexis’ death, plus she’s more of an outsider than anything, not typical cheerleader material at all.

Of course she nails the try-out and is welcomed with slightly less bitchy arms after a couple of impressive back flips. We also find out via Maddy’s private video diary that she’s pretending to like these girls for her own reason, which isn’t clear yet.

As a side note, Maddy also has Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee) to contend with. Leena is an outcast and Wicca enthusiast who seems to have a history with Maddy, though Maddy no longer has time for her shit.

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“Gimme me an F, gimme a U, gimme a C, K, U!”

Leena follows Maddy around regardless and it’s a pretty good thing she does, which we’ll realise in good time, my friends.

Maddy quickly gets closer to Tracy at parties and shit, eventually confiding in her that she’d seen Terry with another girl sometime after they’d got together. Off the back of this bombshell, Tracy is devastated and drunk – and the girls share a kiss. They text Terry than he’s a dick but he’s already watching them for some reason and is not a happy bunny at all.

Later on the squad plus the football team (who are all either dating the girls/into the girls) are partying without Terry, who has failed to rock up. Leena is in the bushes overlooking the proceedings secretly and casting light spells with some mysterious crystals, as one does.

Terry turns up, there’s a fatal scene and it’s all over for our pom pom wielding hotties. Or is it?

Luckily, Leena is on hand to save the girls and through her own devastation at the loss of her friend Maddy, accidentally resurrects them all. Crystals, yo. During this re-animation x4 she also acquires powers of her own (which I think means she’s kind of their boss).

Screen Shot 2014-08-30 at 2.27.35 PM
“Fuck, Marry, Kill: Trump, Clinton, Bernie Sanders…”

Next morning the squad awaken and are understandably out of sorts but they quickly piece together the events of the previous night. Seems they’re undead (but hot, not rotten) and need to feed. On top of this, Hanna and Martha have swapped bodies, which little sis Hanna is DELIGHTED about.

This bit is something to do with a wish Hanna made while she was talking to Leena at the party, a secret desire to be her sister as she’s in love with Martha’s boyfriend. (I’m not linking to the boys names sorry because they all looked pretty much the same and I can’t be bothered).

After they suck one of the neighbours dry, in the literal not financial/sexual sense, the girls decide to go to school. The best scene in the movie occurs, as the supposed-to-be-dead cheerleaders sashay their way down the school corridor while everyone stares. Terry ain’t happy if we’re honest and it looks like they’re all going to war.

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Girl Power

But first the girls have their own issues to contend with. For Hanna it’s to finally nail the love of her life in her sister’s body, while Tracy has an insatiable need to get high. There are some accidental, and not so accidental deaths along the way, the realisation that if one of them climaxes during a sexual interlude they all do (awkward) and petty jealousies.

Terry works out what’s happened because he’s an evil bastard but also clever and plans to steal power from the girls. This is a metaphor for rape clearly, as during a heart to heart with Leena, Maddy confides that Terry raped her shortly after Alexis’ death.

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Smokin’

Leena is almost destroyed by this news and it seems that the girls may have been in a relationship which was ruined by this event (although Leena didn’t know why). The others also find out Maddy has been using them, although she assures them it was all before she got to know them (which seems legit).

Tracy is the most upset but doesn’t have time to be too sad as each of the girls are picked off by a demented Terry. There’s a final fight to death of course, the ultimate battle between good and evil – and I’ll start my questions here.

Still sucking her thumb
“You suck.”

Questions:

Will Terry get his comeuppance? Will Leena and Maddy survive to give their love another go? Will anyone survive?

And will you still be bothered by this point?

My Thoughts:

I really think this should have been a contender for The Craft (1996) and could have been great, instead it’s mediocre as shit.

I enjoy that the cast are a bunch of relative unknowns and I have no trouble with their performances, it just didn’t ignite a spark in me. In fact if I’m honest, I was quite bored by half way through. The special effects are ridonk as well.

It is very uncomfortable the way Maddy’s rape flashback plays alongside the present day attack by Terry on one of the squad (and it should be). Sadly, this is an issue that is not only very topical at the moment but is always topical.

I would like to have seen the girls more empowered by their new found strengths (though it’s not really clear what these are beyond being sassier) rather than using it to chase boys and fall out over boys and get high in a disgusting van but this is essentially a high school movie and that’s what teenagers do. And I would have liked the revenge to have felt more personal, it almost got lost amongst the casual murder and Terry being a general fuck head.

My Ratings: 2.5/5. Not The Craft by any stretch.

What did my Blog Wife think to this rather all over the place witchfest? Two taloned thumbs up or ripe for a proper burial? (I think I know!) Find out here.

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5 thoughts on “All Cheerleaders Die (Film) Review

  1. Ugh, I’m glad you found the whole thing too rape-centric and creepy in general as well. And it pissed me off so much that Maddy’s rape just seemed kind of tacked on there.
    I was into the witchcraft part of this, but that was about it. Even that got to be a bit dodgy since there were absolutely no rules for how magic worked in this. But that’s prob expecting a bit much from a horror comedy (and I say comedy very lightly). I did love that scene of the girls walking down the hallway.
    I’ve never panicked so much at the words “Part One” being thrown on at the end–god help us all if there’s a part two.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m actually even angrier about this film now I’m thinking about it (reading up on the Brock Turner case not helping). It’s outrageous that her story line wasn’t recognisably the main point of all the revenge and was lost in all the ‘excitement’ of eating people. Also, they did eat that man didn’t they which makes no sense, as witches as far as I know don’t need to feed. UGH. Whatever. Instantly forgettable xo

    Ps. I totally didn’t catch the Part 1 thing, as if anyone would fund the next one. They wouldn’t would they? xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I actually lose my shit every time I try to form coherent thoughts about that fuckhead and his complete shock that rape has terrible consequences for the victim. Ugh, what a weasel. I get so angry every time I think about his whiny response and that letter his father wrote.
      SO angry.
      I feel this movie was almost too inconsequential to be angry about. Should’ve just watched The Craft again instead. Ah well. Here’s to Jennifer’s Body!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know, I know! Her letter was incredible, I just couldn’t admire her enough. Fucking shit, and they way he’s blamed this on drink and party culture. You’re right, this film is nothing, not even bad enough to rip apart. C’mon, Megan Fox don’t let me down (and Diablo Cody). Looking forward to next week’s viewing! xo

        Liked by 1 person

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