Sharknado (Film) Review

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The question I most want answered, and I’m sure I could find it if only I could be arsed to look, is: were they bloody serious about this?!

I mean, obviously I get that it’s all very tongue-in-cheek but did that come after the original film became a surprise neo-cult classic? Because they all seem very serious and that, I suppose, is a credit to the cast as actors (maybe not in skill but in effort), you know?

This film is a total train-wreck it’s true but is it fun? Is it entertaining? Read on if you wish to know my view on that. Also, I fancy Ian Ziering and that, my friends, is not something I ever expected to hear myself say. Ever ever.

*Spoilers* if you give a shit!

Sharknado (2013)

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Stars: Ian (Sex Pot) Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassandra Scerbo, Jaaaaaason Simmons

IMDB Synopsis: When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.

My Review: 

They don’t beat around the bush here in Shark Land. There’s a tornado whipping across the country, sucking up sharks in its wake and they’re fleeing it as much as they can but that’s easier said than done I guess.

A sail boat in the thick of the storm, containing a crew of nefarious fishermen who are actually catching and cutting off shark fins to sell for shark fin soup (one of the most barbaric things I have every heard) is perfectly placed for the most ironic shark revenge of all time. These men all deserve to die horribly so from the get go you’ll be licking your lips in anticipation of heads rolling and limbs being chomped. You won’t be disappointed at all, my friends.

I have to say here that the ‘head to head’ between the boss seaman *giggle* and his Asian business partner is so camp, with both characters stereotypical as all fuck so we’re off to a good start I think.

Cut to Californiaaaaaaa and Ian ‘90210’ Ziering’s Fin Shepard (LOL) is just a good man trying to make a buck. He owns a bar and looks good on the beach. Like rrrreallllly good guys, time has been kind to the former Steve Sanders. Perhaps not having to stand next to Luke Perry helps?

Ziering has also recently graduated from the Christian Slater Academy for Furrow-browed Actors, presumably with flying colours. Honestly, watch him, they’re both cut from the same cloth. And I for one, am 100 emoji about it.

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This can’t be good

Fin is the brooding type which makes him irresistible (to me) and you just know there’s more to him than meets the eye. Don’t worry, you’ll find out soon enough what that is but for now, whilst frolicking in the sea with his mate, Baz Hogan (Simmons), shit kicks off. The sharks are actually racing inland in their droves and this does not bode well for the California beach bunnies romping there.

A decent amount of carnage ensues and yet again, people, when someone starts yelling from the water and looks super distressed, maybe take note? It might just save a leg or two. After the initial attacks, Fin and friends don’t seem too bothered, heading to back to the bar Fin owns on the pier to get on with their lives.

He’s got a leg off

The bar is pretty archaic in nature. Bar wench Nova (Scerbo) works in a bikini and has to physically fight off bar regular George (Heard) more than once when he grabs her arse. I would break his knuckles but she laughs it off. It’s all in good fun, isn’t it, all this cheeky everyday sexism and harmless physical harassment? God bless George.

Nova throws herself at Fin behind the bar during their shift and he callously rejects her before revealing he has a wife. An estranged wife but a wife nonetheless. The aforementioned ball ‘n’ chain is April Wexler (Reid) who hates Fin right now because he’s so damned attractive presumably.

Fin’s worried about the storm and all the flooding going down around them and wants to get April and their daughter Claudia (Aubrey Peebles) the fuck outta Dodge. April however has a new boyfriend and is pretty sure he can protect them (she obviously can’t protect herself, what is this the 21st century?).

Back to the bar and if it was up to me, I would have left all the men behind when the first sharks start flying through the windows (tornado, remember?) and the bar and pier started to collapse. But our rag-tag team decide to stick together: Fin, Baz, Nova and Handsy George jump in the car and head to April’s. She lives on a hill they figure, so less flooding.

It’s a stressful trip to April’s and I’d be lying if I said everyone makes it. One of the gang will not live to slap another woman’s bottom against her will ever again *hint*. Nova gets hold of a shotgun (well this is America, you get them from vending machines there, no?) and is more than happy to blow the fuck out of every shark she sees. She really really hates them so much so that you’d think she has a tragic shark-themed back story.

I quite enjoy Nova, it has to be said even though her mooning over Fin gets tired really soon. Even if I understand it only too well, babe.

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Cheer up love, it might never… oh. Nevermind.

April is deeply unimpressed when Fin arrives and she’s obviously not one for girl power as she calls Nova a stripper right off the bat. Unfortunately, April’s house is not the fortress of watertight safety they were expecting and things go pear-shaped quickly. On the plus side, April’s foppish boyfriend Collin (Christopher Wolfe) becomes chum, thus paving the way for a possible reunion between Fin and April? I’m not sure if she deserves him yet tbh!

Sharks are notoriously bad at helping with removals

So the gang grows as they decide their only option is to go and find Fin and April’s son Matt (Charles Hittinger) who’s in flight school. Riiiiight. Things escalate, people get bitten, our team finds a pet store full of weapons (?) and decide to build a bomb to fly into the heart of the tornado, as you do, thus killing the storm and the sharks.

Nova begins to bond with Matt, who is way closer to her in age and it’s kind of creepy. She confides in him the real reason she hates sharks so much and it’s HILARIOUS. I mean, the funniest, most improbable tale EVERRRR. Wouldn’t it be terrible, after all Nova’s been through and on the cusp of a new relationship with her crush’s son to boot, if she didn’t make it?

Hmmmmmm. I’ll wrap up here but will tell you this. Fin has definitely seen one or two Evil Dead movies because his chainsaw work is wonderful. He gets intimate with a very large Great White and does his best to protect his family while he’s at it.

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You’ve got red on you, Nova

Questions: 

Can Fin win back the love of his family, who resent him for being an absent father? Will April ever acknowledge that her new boyfriend has been killed, a moment of silence if you will for Collin? Who will make it? Who won’t?

Will you care?

My Thoughts: 

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You did not get this in Jaws

Jesus H. Christ on a bike. This is godawful. I got bored half way through which I wasn’t expecting and I just didn’t care, I’m sorry Fin – I love you but no. I can’t really believe they’ve made three further films in this series – honestly, I was tired of sharks crashing through windows after maybe the second time, so I don’t know how they’ve kept it fresh. Perhaps they haven’t, I don’t know if I’ll even make the sequels.

The effects aren’t quite as bad as expected but maybe that’s because I’ve seen Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2015) which makes this look like a Michael Mann movie. Though I did want to see more animatronics à la Bruce the Shark as the CGI makes it feel so empty and soulless.

Apart from the beautiful Fin, the rest of the cast are pretty forgettable. Nova probably shows the most promise but I can’t tell if that’s just because she carries a weapon and isn’t afraid to muck in. Tara Reid I imagine gets a bit harder in the following films (judging by the images I’ve seen – spoiler!) but in this she just looks worried the whole time.

If you’re interested my new favourite website is unclear as to whether this film passes the Bechdel Test. I tried to follow myself but got distracted and I’m guessing probs not.

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*Heart eyes emoji*

My Rating: 2.5/5. Poor. So bad it’s just bad with nothing really endearing about it. Although Fin does look very good in plaid.

Did this make Jill want to swirl around like a whirling dervish, or would she rather go swimming with the sharks, where this drivel belongs? Find out here.

12 thoughts on “Sharknado (Film) Review

  1. “Ziering has also recently graduated from the Christian Slater Academy for Furrow-browed Actors, presumably with flying colours.”
    OMG, DYING.
    Yeah, Nova suddenly digging Fin’s son was suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper fucked up.
    I’m glad you got serious Evil Dead vibes from this too…I didn’t mention it because it seemed almost sacrilegious somehow?
    Haaaaaaaaaaa, Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre.
    I was just blatantly not paying attention at all to the last half hour of this. Have we become bad movie snobs?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh God imagine us becoming discerning about the crappy films we watch! Ideas above our stations! I would have been totally all about this in every way if it had bothered to hold my attention but it just gets repetitive and dry, and how can it when there are actual sharks swimming down the streets?

      OMG as well, my #1 childhood fear was recognised in the pool scene at the old folks home, see, they can get into swimming pools! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. HAHAHA. I needed this. Awesome post. The shark-flying-through-windows everywhere. Priceless. You know…A good friend of mine and I have treated this as a ritual, almost. Heavy drinking with anything stupid involving people + sharks onscreen. The third Sharknado had all the political pundits like Anthony Weiner and Ann Coulter. I can’t stand them, but suddenly, I find myself fascinated by them just because they’re in a SHARKNADO movie.

    By the way, have you seen the trailer for Sky Sharks? Zombie nazis on FLYING SHARKS! Here ya go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xilSOkluStI

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! And no I have not seen that trailer but I am firmly on it NOW! Thanks for sharing. I probably lied when I said I wouldn’t venture into the next Sharknados, I saw a screen grab of possibly the third one where someone was holding a placard that said “Keep your teeth off my body!” and it tickled me a lot. So maybe there’s hope yet. I suspect that after this was a hit they got more into the joke and maybe they got better? Time will tell! Glad you enjoyed the review and funnily enough I can think of several politicians I’d like to see in the midst of some shark flying action! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Yesssss. When you guys said shark week I hoped you’d do this one just because it’s so bad and I wanted to see what you’d think! I never watched the sequels, because more of this? Ha. Though if you guys review them I could be persuaded…
    I can never see Tara Reid in anything and not think of American Pie. I think it’s a curse. x

    Like

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