*TW: health, body image*

I’ve been busting my nuts for the last few weeks to make a personal change in the easiest way I know how. Turns out though it hasn’t been easy and I’ve stumbled a few times.

On those occasions I’ve felt close to tears because I haven’t seen the results I expected and it’s thrown me.

I’m in turmoil too because the change I want is so personal (health), yet I’ve leaned into a certain way of thinking that has been so empowering that I think it might be better for me in the long run. But what do you do when the things you want conflict?

Can I be body positive and accepting of myself when I also want to improve on that? Isn’t the very act of seeking change the admission that you’re not happy?

I don’t know the answers but I do feel as though I need balance right now and especially during this super sociable month. Who am I to deny myself the things I deserve? I don’t deserve punishment and I know the more I deprive myself the further I’ll fall.

This is really hard isn’t it? Loving yourself? Why can’t we do it freely and easily without questioning every little thing?

Well there must be a way and I’m going to find an answer, I swear. I’m going to love myself so ferociously that it becomes obscene. That people ask me how I do it and I’ll say, “It’s easy, dude, I’ve found the Holy Grail.”

I will find a way to love myself whatever size I am, whatever I’m doing, that’s my one and only brand new vow. And I’ll start soon, I will.

Just not tonight. It’s Sunday and Die Hard’s on. 🎄🎅🏼