“Surely you realise that souls are reborn in groups?” ~Vengeance-obsessed burnt dude
I definitely owe my partner in crime an apology for this week’s pick. It was so loosely based on a true story that it’s laughable. My (extremely lazy) thinking was: Nazis = true story.
So. Nazis, regression therapy, the South Downs and some seriously suspicious acting – off we go!
Nazi Vengeance (or Backtrack, its original title) (2014)
When four friends go camping on the South Downs, they are quite literally tortured by their past.
This film is so questionable that it doesn’t even appear on Julian Glover‘s Wikipedia page (he’s the main villain dude). So there is that to consider as we open this review.
I must say that at the very least this movie has an interesting premise. Focusing on the dreariest character ever committed to a feature-length film (Ralph) and his nightmares, we begin with an amateur regression session. This is conducted by know it all Andrea, who seems to have borrowed a book on past life regression therapy from the library for guidance. She’d have been better off with Hollywood Wives, I swear.
Through this therapy, Ralph starts to piece together some disturbing flashbacks that might explain why he’s tormented by his dreams. The platonic friends decide that a pilgrimage to Plumpton, the place that keeps popping up in Ralph’s memory dreams, might dislodge something that will help him get to the bottom of shit.
They persuade their respective partners, Fuckface McDouchbag and Bitchface Smith to accompany them, which they do albeit reluctantly. It just so happens that F McD and BS (real names Claudia and Lucas) are already acquainted, and in the biblical sense too. They are literally the worst human beings of all time and this does not bode well when the horror begins because you will cheer it on.
Anywhoo. Our four intrepid explorers set off in their backpacks to camp on the Downs and see what they can do for old Ralphy boy. Claudia shows Ralph no compassion whatsoever at any point, while Lucas is awful in every way. It’s hardly surprising that while Ralph and Andrea visit Plumpton on their serious mission, Lucas and Claudia stay back to have a leisurely shag.
It’s okay though, as justice is about to be served and not for the reason you think. During a brief reccy in the pub nearest their campsite, our gang learns of a local man who was horribly burnt in the war. His entire family was also slaughtered by Nazis and he’s not very happy.
Vengeance appears in the title of this film, so you’re already expecting some cold hard revenge and this old boy is ready to administer it by the tractor(?) load. He starts with the two lovers back at base camp.
Honestly, I’m writing this review and I think it’s bloody lucky that anyone would use this many words or spend this much time talking about it. It has no merit and explains precisely nothing. It’s just a director’s wet dream put into practice. Why else would Claudia spend so much time without her pants? I mean I get female horror tropes but give me a break.
So eventually burned man finds the other two, who have worked out on their jaunt that, actually the nightmares are memories and Ralph, in his past life, was a Nazi. Whoopsie. Not only that but burned man is after the group for a reason and has been waiting a very long time to exact his sweet, sweet revenge. It’s all inter-connected, innit?
Why pick on the others though, Mr Burny Face? Well, don’t worry because our mate has a theory that souls are reborn in batches and that Ralph wasn’t the only Nazi scum guilty of finishing off his wife and children. Confused and also not really that bothered? Me too.
Throughout the film there’s some mild torture and one of the group ends up dead but it’s light on actual action and heavy on, well bad acting and mind-boggling story line. Once our friends learn of their Nazi pasts there’s barely any reaction. I mean, if it was me I’d at least issue an apology, even if I didn’t really understand what the fuck was going on.
The question is, who will survive this ordeal? Will justice be served on these clueless war criminals? Will you make it to the end of this horrible, straight-to-Netflix train wreck? I implore you not to waste your time, honestly. It’s very bad.
And that ending? The fuck?
1/5. I think we have a contender for The Monkey’s Paw!
Will Jillian ever fucking forgive me? Probably not but you can find out her views on this here.