Push

Hands up if you’re having a meltdown…

This past month has not been good.

My adjustment in going from one thing to another has been so much harder than I imagined it would be. I feel insecure and foolish a lot of the time, regretful even and I feel terrified. But that surely has everything to do with change and being in a fresh environment than it does the actual environment, right?

I’ve been kicking against this change deep down, not really letting myself be present and yesterday, after a long talk with my favourite person on this planet, I’ve decided I have to give it more of a chance. My anxiety has been working double time and it’s skewering everything.

I need to take time, step back and think about this as the challenge it really is. And instead of beating myself up for all the things I still don’t know, for the little (human) mistakes I’ve made during my learning curve so far, I should think about what I’ve accomplished. I know more than I did a month ago. Next month I’ll know even more. I know I need to commit fully, take my eye off an escape plan and knuckle down.

So I’m doing that. I slept better last night having acknowledged this and I’m trying not to stress about all the questions I have to ask or the small confusions I have. I’m smart and I can do this.

On the subject of anxiety, I’ve started a side blog where I’m going to be talking more openly about that side of me and trying to live with it. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I need to square up to some demons and I’m going to do it with professional help. I’m tired of being twisted inside and I have no idea how to deal with it some days.

You can read along if you want to, I’m here at Gutter & Stars. It’s a work in progress but I think it will be helpful.

Incidentally, last night when I message my dear mother and told her that I just need to know that everything’s going to be okay, she said: You need to trust that everything will be okay and trust that it will be. If it’s not to be, there’s a reason why not. 

Cool, huh?

How’s your week going?

7 thoughts on “Push

  1. I’m sorry the new job transition has been rocky. Fingers crossed that it’s a positive change…sooner rather than later.
    It’s taken me nearly 2 years to get used to my “new” job, and there’s still so much shit that doesn’t make sense and I don’t understand. Hang in there and remember you’re so much more than your job and it’s ok for things to not go the direction you expect (I know it’s hard and I pretty much never follow that advice). Your mother’s a wise woman!
    And you know I’m following the shit out of your other blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey! Just dropped by to see how things are….. You know what?? I was exactly the same….but….stick at it. One day it suddenly all clicks and you feel this sudden rush of “I can do this”. It won’t be long….trust me! We were in “that place” so long that we may have forgotton a lot of our skills. But they will come back….sleep well…..keep going….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for those nice words, Stef! I hope that time comes soon. I’m very pleased that you’re doing so well. I’ll be okay, I have a plan and a solid support network. Sending love x

      Like

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