Category Archives: Life

Catch Up

 

Remember when blogs were a form of journalling? When we’d write down what we’d done in that day or how we felt about certain things as if our online space was a fluffy pink lockable diary from the 80’s? (Nineties, 2000’s, whatever).

I feel like somewhere along the line I’ve lost what blogging means to me – even more so every person and their barista has an internet presence, be it a snarky Twitter feed or a mini-blog in the form of Instagram stories, is it even a thing anymore? As I type that I know that doesn’t matter at all, I’ve never had that much of a following and that’s completely fine – the interaction I’ve had via my blog has been meaningful and life-affirming in a way 10k likes could never be (I’m assuming).

I do this for myself first and I can’t imagine that ever-changing. But I do want to get back to a more passionate place. I love reviewing films, I love talking about books and TV I like too – but where are the feelings, where is the truth? So I’ll be exploring that in my posts moving on. Who knows where this will take me?

Anyway, a catch up, Dear Diary! My husband and I are currently on annual leave and I’ll be honest, I’m enjoying doing absolutely nothing. Films, Drag Race and reading in the bath, none of the spring cleaning I’d planned to do, none of the socialising I imagined myself doing (that part’s an out-and-out lie, sorry). It’s what we need right now and I’m not going to fight my desire to nest.

We also just got back from a few days in Amsterdam which was really lovely and chilled. We didn’t go as crazy as that city sometimes warrants but we wandered and ate and took a boat trip and looked at dicks in the sex museum and generally just hung out – it was perfect.

I didn’t partake in Amsterdam’s number one delicacy but I still enjoyed sitting outside the coffee shops, watching people. It’s such a cool city just to be in.

Today I’m catching up on blogging, both here and on my film blog, watching a few films for the podcast and I might do a Trixie Mattel inspired make up look, if I’m feeling it. I’m absolutely loving the freedom to chill out in my pants and do what I like. Tomorrow we’re doing a double bill at the flicks. All in all, a good week is (un)planned and I intend to enjoy it before reality comes knocking again.

Have a good week all!

Working Overtime

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I’m going to free flow this bad boy today because sometimes little truth nuggets pop out when you’re not thinking about them and that can be a freeing feeling. I’m very tired at the moment, doing lots of overtime at work to pay for things coming up later in the year. Birthdays, trips, visits. Life.

I’m also knackered because I’m feeling super anxious all the time, about everything. Last night it was because I’m reading Pet Semetary and before anything has even kicked off horror wise I’m fretting about death like I’m the little girl Ellie Creed in the story. She’s just learning about loss and death after visiting the Cemetary (PROPER SPELLING) and now she can’t get her head around the fact her cat might die one day and I feel you, girl. I feel you.

Death is something I think of often but it’s never really to do with my own mortality (lie, I’m terrified of ageing) but more about other people. Like, please don’t leave me alone in this cold, unforgiving world.

I know it’s irrational and it’s part of the reason I sought help last Summer, why I’m medicated and trying to learn to let go of the worries I can’t control. Losing my partner, family members or friends is my worst fear and I have to accept that I can’t do anything about it. Phew, this got deep quick, didn’t it?

Perhaps I should stay away from Stephen King for a little while.

In other news, I’m slowly saving money for our trip to Amsterdam in March. We’re going to do a graffiti tour and I can’t wait for that. March is Glynn’s birthday month so I feel as though this trip is a double celebration. I can’t wait to get on a barge and drift past the houseboat we’re going to live on when we’re old.

And before March, Lightle‘s coming to stay and that is the greatest! When your girl sends you a message saying all she needs it tea and movies, you know you picked a good one. So this is going to be an exciting year, I have Copenhagen in October, plus more coming and this girl better pull her socks up and stop shopping because money is a thing one needs to live, yo.

In creative news, I’ve started putting a plan for a novel together. There’s a theory that we all have at least one book in us and I’ve been doubting that for a while. Then I got a fit of inspiration and now I’m really planning it. It’s embryonic days obviously and I have the right to sit on my hands for a while while I work up the confidence to hammer it out but it’s there, at the surface. The splinter I’ve just started to work out from beneath the skin.It’s almost there. The story, which is likely to evolve into something altogether different, is going to be about friendship and that’s all I can reveal for now.

Things are good and bad, rough and smooth, heavenly and hellish – all at once. Life, in essence and who’d change anything about it?

How’re things with you?

Breathe

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Here we are, back to work, back to reality.

The diet chat is rife, people are returning to the gyms with their tails between their legs and boy don’t we know it. The mince pies have been cleared away and we’re having hearty porridge for our breakfasts instead of a handful of Quality Street.

I hate all the self-flagellation that comes after all the joy so I’m not partaking in it. I won’t be going to the gym tonight or any time soon because I can’t afford it and also I don’t want to. I can’t think of anything worse than sweating my nuts off in between a hundred other people who’d rather be on the sofa finishing the new series of Black Mirror. So I’ll be on the sofa finishing the new series of Black Mirror thanks, in a blanket with my tea.

January is generally the most miserable month of all and I’m going to inject as many little moments of happiness into it as I can, even if I am as poor as a church mouse. Even if all that is is an hour reading a book I’m into or having a pickle. Life’s too short and my only resolution is to be MORE so bring it 2018. I want more!

On another note, I’ve been spending more time than is healthy watching 2017 highlight videos on social media. All those wonderful perfectly composed images from the past year fill me with an instant gratification but when I think back on my own year, which was filled with some really dark moments (and obviously it was worse for my husband), I’m just thankful I made it at all.

Not to bring the mood down because we’re all about positivity here but I’m amazed I didn’t run away or bury myself in the garden at times. We suffered a great loss as a family, which was awful but has brought us closer together and I’m grateful for that. I feel as though I held on to a lot of the trauma of what happened though and then I moved from my comfy (but deeply unfulfilling) job into the worst one I’ve ever had (yes worse than the turkey plucking) – and I nearly lost it.

Some good did come of this though as the anxiety I’ve been trying to freeze out for years refused to be ignored any longer and I had to do something about it. I also learned that some people are just horrible and nothing you can do or say can change that. A hard lesson has been to understand that that’s on them and not me.

And even though I’m not sure my current role is a forever, it is fun and I’ve made some great friends – so for now I’m just going to enjoy it and see where it takes me. Despite myself I’m excited for what the year has in store, slightly wary but overall hopeful – and everyday, I’m just going to try to remember to breathe.

How are you guys settling into the New Year?

Minimalism?

I’ve had an epiphany.

Last night I was talking to my new cool work friend Chloe about her beautiful Instagram feed (how modern!) and I asked her how the background in all her photographs is always so appealing. Like my background always has gerbils and shoes and old cups of tea lying around – how does one create the perfect pure light and airy landscape?

Just fucking tidy up, I would imagine but she said something that has really stuck (in theory anyway).

She said she prefers to own fewer things that she really really loves, rather than have loads of stuff she’s indifferent to. Simple, eh? Makes sense, right?

This is where I’ve been going wrong all this time: STUFF! I’m literally drowning in things and stuff – and something has got to give. This thinking is quite relateable. When my grandmother was preparing to leave this plain (like for real, she had enough and so she just went one day), she started clearing out her apartment, urging family and friends to give her books and pleasant smelling products instead of things.

She didn’t have 77 pairs of shoes or handbags, she didn’t have six denim jackets and a collection of plastic hair clips from the 90’s. She was free of tat and I think I’m ready for this phase in my life.

I want to be truly passionate about the things that surround me. The people, the environment, the things – clothing and jewellery aside (hey I have to express myself, man!), I don’t need all this shit.

I can read books and pass them on. I don’t need to keep old make-up just in case. I don’t need the quick fixes or the cheer-me-up treats. I should save my money for good haircuts and tattoos. Savings. Plastic surgery.

So that’s what I’m going to do now. Level 40 is just round the corner, and I’m going in with a new attitude. If it doesn’t make me truly happy, it can kiss my lily-white behind.

Now where did I put the bin bags?

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What’s going on with you?

Flaking Out

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Is there anything better than the last minute text you regularly receive saying “I’m so sorry but can we do this next week?”.

It’s got so easy to flake out on plans, cancel at the nth hour and swerve people you don’t really want to see. Or maybe you do want to see them but not quite enough. It’s almost impossible to remember what we did before smart phones. Did we just keep all our dates?

I’m so guilty of backing out of social engagements myself and I’m working on that. Last week I had a plan for every night of the week and it was too much. I panicked and cancelled 75% of it, then went home and spent most of my down time braless in front of Netflix. I’m not good at being too busy, especially when I’ve just started a new job and have a million things on my mind. Sometimes it’s a wonder I still have friends but I guess the secret it to balance it out. And I’m by no means any worse than any of the people I make the plans with (and I’m never that gutted when we have to reschedule, rather it’s usually a beautiful gift).

I used to be a lot worse, suffering panic attacks when I had to go out to crowded places. My head would bang and I would try anything to get out of it, even if they were arranged months in advance. Luckily I had minor speed habit that helped me to get over myself quickly, until the inevitable come down the next day.

I would drive friends mad with this behaviour and sometimes now I wonder if I’ve not changed that much, given that I avoid birthday gatherings because I just can’t handle more than a handful of people at a time. If I don’t know anybody then I’m even less likely to attend. I still shudder at a birthday drinks I went to a few years ago where I stood there like a sore thumb for hours – and nobody saved me from my misery. (I would save someone from their misery!).

Anyway, this is the season I start to plan my hibernation. Apart from the obvious holiday celebrations I will be opting out of a lot of social fun times in favour of staying in with my books and watching films. I’m not exactly the outdoorsy type you could say – and I’m unapologetic about it. Oh, and people who rib other people for not getting out in the fresh air are the worst. I will do it in my own time, when I feel like it. You don’t know my life.

If any of my friends are reading this then I’m sorry for all the birthday drinks and house parties I’ve swerved, it’s all about my feelings of inadequacy as a party guest though and never to do with you. I’m way better one on one in the pub or over dinner, I swear.

Just not during the months of October, November and December. And January and February, too.

Words

You’ll have to excuse the absence of chatter around here, beyond the weekly (terrible) film reviews. I can’t really find the words for how I’m feeling (not to be all me, me, me – none of this is about me). Our home is covered in a light smattering of sadness and that’s to be expected, of course it is. We’re just going with it at the moment, spending time together and getting things done.

It’s funny when people say it will be over soon because in some ways it’s true. In others, it has only just begun. All I know is that there’s no greater frustration that watching the person you love most go through terrible pain that you can’t fix. It’s very, very shit.

There are amusing times though, so you don’t think we’re wearing black and wringing our hands constantly. It’s nice to reminisce and believe me what I say there has never been another person like my mother-in-law.

So if I’m a little quieter than normal, this is why. We’ve got a holiday coming up in mid-April which is perfect timing, and our first in eight long years. Four days in the sun is just what the doctor ordered.

I’ve bought a swimsuit – eeeeek! Now that’s something worth blogging about. ❤

Saturday

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I planned to wake up at seven but keep hitting the snooze button until just before 9. I’m supposed to make the first cup of tea on weekend mornings but Glynn does this morning. Only because I’ve agreed to make breakfast. 🍳🍞

I get up and queue up my film. It’s I Saw The Devil, a Korean horror movie. I can’t sort the subtitles so have to watch it dubbed in English. Sadly the dubbing has an American accent and is so goofy it takes all the terror out of a truly gory and tense serial killer thriller.

James messages to say he got stuck in Eastbourne and can we change the time to one. It was supposed to be 12. I’m cool with that. He hasn’t had a chance to catch up on this movie I’m now watching or another on our list (which is handy because neither have I). I continue watching this film anyway, as it’ll come up in a future episode, and I want to see it.

I stop the film to make breakfast, which is bacon, scrambled eggs, mushrooms and toast. It’s delish. Afterwards I take an extra long time putting on my make up. I love it when there’s loads of time, I really enjoy the ritual. The film is horrifying but good, though the dubbing definitely takes the edge off.

After the film I go back to bed with my book. Glynn is still in there, reading. James messages to change to 2. I realise this gives me time to make a proper lunch. We discuss it. Glynn goes to the shop to buy potatoes and tuna. I bake them.

After lunch Glynn drives me to James’. We have a cup of tea and I chat to his housemates while he sets up the mics. We settle down to talk for a bit as we tend to do before we start recording. We decide to record just one episode today, due to time. I don’t mind that either.

We hit record. We riff for half an hour before even starting on our first film. We cover some deep topics like love, death, cryogenic freezing and god knows what else (I’ll find out when I listen to the episode back). In the end it’s two hours long. It’s been very successful. We chat a little longer (off mic) and I get the bus home.

It’s absolutely pissing down and I get drenched. The bus gets packed and makes me feel anxious. I sometimes get scared I’ll get trapped up the back and never be able to get off. I have to take two buses to get home. An old man stares at my chest so hard I have to pull my coat around me. Yawn.

I get home around 6pm and run a hot bath. Glynn is making bolognese. I read while I soak. We all eat dinner together, which is delicious. Beau is here and we watch Pokémon: Indigo League as we eat. Beau goes back to his room to be an almost teenager and we start watching Mechanic: Resurrection. Twenty minutes in we stop the film, it’s too laughable. Even with Statham doing his best frowns.

We go to bed and read together. It’s knackering being creative. I love it though.

It’s still raining. ☔️💦