Late last night (of course) I got inspired to look back on the shark movies Jill and I have reviewed for the blog. It was a lot of fun so I thought, in honour of undoubtedly the best movie of the year opening this weekend, I would revisit them properly in a post.
That movie, to be clear, is The Meg and I’ll be there on Friday clutching my popcorn with the biggest grin on my stupid face. I’ll also be wishing Meghan Lightle was with me because this is a movie ripped straight from our minds, frankly.
Anyway, to the sharks. It’s hard to sort these into order of preference because there’s love in my heart for each of them, no matter how ridiculous.
The planet is now mostly ocean and it’s full of angry mutant sharks. It’s a very bad scene, man. Survivors are living on makeshift rigs in the middle of open water just trying to dodge a bloody fate and while it’s far from ideal, some self-made tribes are getting on just fine.
Help might just be at hand when a bunch of plucky scientists rock up but at what cost really? AT WHAT COST?!
A favourite of mine, Ghost Shark is the tale of a wronged Great White who exacts glorious, witty revenge on the small beach town that let her* down. This might sound familiar but, wait – Ghost Shark is special because she has the power to manifest in any body of water – with hilarious consequences.
An absolute highlight. *I like to think of her as ‘she’.
I’ve never ventured beyond the first Sharknado but this was a lot of fun to rip apart. Plus, apparently I have a thing for Ian Ziering, who knew?
You probably don’t need me to give you a synopsis on this one, given that it’s one of the most well-known modern shark B-movies but there’s a hurricane heading towards LA and the tornado at the centre of it is spitting out killer sharks. Luckily, sex pot Fin Shepard (geddit) is on hand to save the world and look damn fine while doing it.
Sometimes there’s only one way to deal with a problem and that’s to build an identical steel version of that problem – and have both versions fight it out to the death. Throw in a kick-arse central character and you’ve got yourself quite the treat.
I’m not even being insincere when I say this one was pretty okay.
What’s better than a shark movie starring Jason Statham? That’s right, a 3-headed shark movie starring DANNY FREAKIN’ TREJO, King of my Heart.
This film has a lot to say about the environmental impact of all that plastic in the ocean and I appreciate it honestly because you don’t always get a message from your straight-to-DVD titles. Triple the heads = triple the fun.
A shark (or two) terrorises the beach one hazy summer while the Jersey Shore tourist board turns a blind eye to the carnage because tourism, yo.
Hot lifeguard Alex isn’t about to let this slide though – and if all this sounds familiar it’s because 12DOT is based on the TRUE STORY that also inspired the Rolls Royce of Shark movies, Jaws. So not bad for a TV movie and it might also be thanks to salty sea dog, Captain (John Rhys-Davies).
I’m quite sure there will be many more shark movies in our future but until now, enjoy these gems.
What, you’re not already on your way to pick up all these titles now? What’re you waiting for? 🦈🦈🦈
I feel like this week’s choice is definitely an authentic nod to the sort of crappy films we enjoy, and one of the reasons Jill and I started the collab in the first place. Sure, quality has undulated over the years but there have been times we’ve cursed ourselves by not going harder on films you can tear apart.
This is definitely one of them – and yet, I love them with all my heart. Ever since Bride of Chucky introduced Jennifer Tilly as Chucky’s love interest, Tiffany I’ve been in. This comedy/horror sequel seemed to take itself even less seriously that the first handful of Child’s Play films and got all the better for it (imho).
Bride had the terrible twosome channel Sid & Nancy and although Chucky didn’t always appreciate his lady, we bloody did. Seed of Chucky followed and a sympathetic yet creepy child was born of their love and the quality of the films shifted again (down, down, down). Curse I can’t really remember honestly, other than it was clunkily meta.
Cult of Chucky (Child’s Play 7) strips it back a little (but not much) and places Nica of Curse in a medium security institution, where she is still trying to live with the guilt of killing literally everyone she came in contact with in the last instalment.
Except, did she? She’s been lead to believe a certain killer ginger is all in her head and a manifestation of a severe mental disorder but we all know different, right?
Chucky returns to terrorize his human victim, Nica. Meanwhile, the killer doll has some scores to settle with his old enemies, with the help of his former wife.
First off, how fun is this? Chucky films forever! Whether or not it is any good really will come down to your opinion on these films and your threshold for the ridiculous. If you love gore, terrible one liners and a loose narrative then, baby, this is the one for you.
Nica (Fiona Dourif) has just been released from maximum security to a lower level institute under the watchful eye of Doctor Foley (Michael Therriault). She is being rewarded with a little more freedom now she’s playing along and admitting that Chucky is all in her head.
On her first day, she makes a strong impression on fellow resident Malcolm (Adam Hurtig), who has multiple personalities (and is about as cliched as you can imagine). She isn’t welcomed quite so warmly by the others, as her notoriety has followed her to her new home.
Meanwhile, Andy (Alex Vincent), the terrorised kid turned man of the original CP films, has worked out a unique and satisfying way to ensure Chucky/the serial killer Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) can’t hurt anyone anymore. What could go wrong?(Spoiler alert: literally everything).
Soooo, Nica is undergoing more therapy and playing the long game when Dr. Foley brings a vintage Good Guy doll to a group session (wise idea). ‘Good’ Chucky is immediately adopted by a patient who has lost her child which is spooky enough on its own merit. It all gets even more confusing when Tiffany Valentine crops up in human form with her own Good Guy doll and suddenly there are two GGDs in the hospital.
Tiff, FYI is at the facility to announce that Nica’s niece Alice has passed away (Ms. Valentine had guardianship of Alice and for the life of me I can’t remember how this came to pass or why). This news leaves Nica devastated, as she’s already living with the guilt of ‘killing’ Alice’s mother, her sister and now she has nobody left. The doll by the way has been left to Nica by Alice. Uh oh.
Anyway, two GGDs = two Chuckies (Chucki?) because, believe it or not, somewhere along the line it has become possible for more than one Chucky to be possessed at any one time with the soul of everybody’s favourite serial killer.
Andy might have the original Chucky’s head stored in a secret safe but it doesn’t even matter anymore – because the Cult is growing, there are Chuckies all over the shop and we’re all doomed. DOOMED I TELL YOU!
Things soon start to go to pot and this convinces Nica that she isn’t crazy and that Chucky might be real after all. And nobody fucking believes her.
Anyone who does start to buy into the Chucky theory is mysteriously slaughtered so they can’t back Nica up. Plus they’re all nuts, right?
Doctor Foley is acting like a complete douchebag too which is literally the last thing a girl needs while she’s running for her life from a killer doll but there it is. Men and their sense of entitlement is always priority. One of the Chuckies actually comes through as Nica’s saviour a couple of times but then only so he can enlist her into his cult herself.
Eventually she succumbs to Chucky’s goading and fucks up Foley forever when she realises he’s been sexually abusing her during their hypnosis sessions. He’s a fucking rapist and way worse than Chucky could ever be if you ask me – so good riddance to scum. I celebrated the intensity of his death scene and I hope you will too.
At this point if it were me, I’d be sorely tempted to just team up with Chucky and Tiffany, no questions asked. Living the good and holy life hasn’t exactly been paying off for our heroine.
Look, this is a messy one and since we end up with three Chuckies it gets a little bit confused at times. The gist is that the original Chucky found a voodoo spell on the internet (obvs) that allows him to be inside all the dolls at once, and why stop at doll’s eh? Chucky’s always looking for a human vehicle – wonder where this is heading?
Let’s just say that the climax might be unsurprising but it’s utterly bonkers and satisfying – and left wide open for another thrilling instalment.
Fucking hell yes.
There’s not really any way to review a film like this, is there? It is exactly what you’d expect and it’s great.
I get the impression that the team must have so much fun making these films and that Brad Dourif just loves voicing Chucky.
Jennifer Tilly is also an absolute dream and my only criticism of her is that she’s not in this nearly enough. Plus, I was hoping for more than a glimpse of Tiffany the doll, who’s the coolest.
This film is not going to change your life or even remain with you for particularly long but it will hopefully keep you sniggering for a little while, and god knows we all need a sigh these days.
3.5/5. All in good fun, if not good taste.
What did Jill think of Chucky’s return? Would she commit this one or join him in his shenanigans? Find out here.
mother! was terrifying not least because it featured the worst social situation imaginable: the unannounced guest. As Mother longed for the quiet cocoon of her life to go back to normal, stranger upon stranger appeared at her door, ate her food and ran riot through the picture perfect order.
This got me to thinking about the things that give me daily anxiety and how they could be used in a horror setting.
Tights – a B-movie in the vein of Rubber but with ravenous plus-size hosiery
Mansplaining: the movie – a slasher but the antagonist just wants to explain at great length why Lady Ghostbusters was pointless to his female victims
Doctor Doctor – you have seven days to get past reception and make an appointment or… you die (sorry)
Drink? – a home invasion but it’s that friend you keep bumping into and suggesting a drink to every three months, in your home
Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of massive, pissed off women and dismissive would-be murdering man-babies, y’all!
I’m cracking straight on with this one as I have a lot of thoughts and quite a bit of love for the main character, Nancy Fowler Archer from this quirky fifties classic. I had the poster on my wall for years as an early twenty-something and now I can say I’ve actually seen the film too (Look, I had better things to do then)!
When an abused socialite grows to giant size because of an alien encounter and an aborted murder attempt, she goes after her cheating husband with revenge on her mind.
Nancy Fowler Archer (Allison Hayes) is a socialite with the one of the worst husbands in cinematic history. She may be filthy rich and hot as hell but Harry Archer (William Hudson) has his eye on a new (and younger) prize, Miss Honey Parker (Yvette Vickers).
Harry’s already had Nancy committed to an institution once and lives to send her back there so he can carry on with Honey and keep his grubby, lazy mitts on his wife’s cash. It’s the oldest story in the book and a pile of bullshit, but still for some reason Nancy loves her husband. If you’re here for empowerment, particularly in the first half of this remarkably short feature, remember this is a 1950’s film.
One night after a party, I’m thinking works do because I believe Honey is an employee at wherever Harry works (cliché alert!) but who knows really? All I do know is that Nancy leaves early and bumps into a satellite/gigantic bald man in the desert who tries to make a grab for the enormous diamond hanging around her neck with his monster hand.
She gets away but is quite shaken when she arrives back at the party looking for her husband. Harry, predictably, is nowhere to be found (although we all know he’s deeply ensconced in Honey’s cleavage) and the cops don’t believe Nancy given that she’s got form. They’re actual dicks about it, actually.
Later, at home, the couple argue about Honey but Nancy concedes that she still loves her man. She also tells him about the giant and he pretends to believe her so he can get her off his back. Harry is a prize wanker but Honey is pretty much the mastermind behind all his dastardly plans. His Lady Macbeth, if you will. Girl Power in this scenario is non-existent I’m afraid, so this movie is ripe for a contemporary remake (I haven’t seen it yet but I don’t know how feminist Daryl Hannah’s version is).
Anyway, Nancy gets fucked off with people not believing her story about the giant so she drags Harry into the desert, and lo and behold they bump into the big fella again. This time when he makes a grab for Nancy, Harry leaves her for dead, the cowardly little shit. That’s going to come back and bite you in the arse, mate, seriously.
I’ll avoid going at this scene by scene but from here Nancy begins to undergo some dramatic change, for she isn’t dead at all, quite the opposite in fact. Also, I don’t really understand the giant’s motivation, though it does point to diamonds that power his satellite/spaceship. Obviously.
I must do a little shout-out to probably the only decent male in this film, Nancy’s man-servant Jess Stout (Ken Terrell) who gets into a scuffle with Harry when he comes home without his wife. It’s the greatest man on man fight since Women in Love (1969) and Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001) (not really). But he seems to be about the only person looking out for the vulnerable Nancy and I like that.
Something I really do not like is the fact that the doctors and police looking after Nancy decide she needs to be drugged and fucking chained up at all times, just because what, she’s crazy? I mean, for fuck’s sake, she might be fifty foot but are elephant syringes really necessary?
Maybe chain up Honey the femme fatale who’s hellbent on MURDERING Nancy? She’s the true liability. Anyway, that attempt fails when it is revealed that Mrs Archer is larger than life and once she wakes up, she’s fucking fuming and it’s about time, frankly.
I’m going to leave this here as Nancy takes on the world as a newly anointed giantess, taking down power lines and climbing the Empire State building whilst swatting away Apache helicopters. Kidding. I wish.
It’s not quite as dramatic as all that and the ending is bitter sweet. I had hoped Nancy would realise her power as the Queen of the World and sashay as far away from her dead-beat husband as her skyscraper length legs could carry her but it’s not like that. It’s not like that at all.
So, while men are awful, at least we can admit that everyone here is the pits, everyone besides the butler, our heroine and the giant, who seems all too pure for this world. This film is fine and fun but it’s not very deep, it’s not very empowering really when it comes down to it. Sure, it’s fun when horrible people get squished but at what cost? WHAT COST?
I’d also have liked more carnage from Nancy the giant. Like, fun destruction that wasn’t so solely concentrated on vengeance. I mean, get the fuckers, yes but give us more,girl! Also, I know I keep banging on about feminism and empowerment but I do think, for a film made in 1958, that this is taking a stab at that, even if it does fall short.
3/5. Less piss weak man action and more smashing shit up would have been better.
What does my Queen Jillian think? Would she murder this one dead, or go on a mad rampage with it (in the good way)? Find out here. ❤
The Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.
Where to start with this one? I’m not sure what I just watched. The most notable thing I can mention is that one of the Martian children, Girmar (Girl Martian, you see?) is played by Pia Zadora who played Beatnik Chick in John Water’s Hairspray (1988). Which is cool.
So. We first meet the Martians, parents Momar (Leila Martin) and Kimar (Hicks) who are worried about their Martian children. They have been doing what all good children do if they can get away with it and that’s rinsing too much TV. In this case it’s Earth TV and is therefore much more dangerous and progressive. Through this exercise it seems Girmar and Bomar (Chris Month) have been learning all about Santa (Call) via a channel called KID-TV.
Concerned about the low moods of their offspring, Momar and Kimar visit ancient sage Chochem (Carl Don – think Yoda but more shit), who tells them that the children of Mars are becoming distracted. There’s a bit about how Martian youths are brought up to not have individual thoughts but I wasn’t really taking it in. I do agree though, freedom of expression should be kept from children until the very last minute.
Anywho, Chochem says he’s seen this coming for a long time (dude is, like, 800 years old) and advises that the only way to deal with this issue is to let the kids have some fun. Wooooooo. The leaders decide they need to get their own Santa Claus figure to spread some cheer round Mars. Later, they cut out the middle man and resolve to kidnap the real Santa and bring him to their manor to entertain the children.
A plan is concocted that makes no sense whatsoever but two bratty children are kidnapped to lure out the real Santa (?) who they get their hands on relatively easily. Security is slack around the North Pole apparently. Santa himself is deeply annoying and deserves to be smothered along with the children, so it’s quite refreshing when one of the Martians, Voldar (Beck) decides to try and kill them all. (This is motivated by him being staunchly against the Santa plan and wanting to keep the Mars traditions alive and well). Voldar is identified as evil by his nefarious facial hair.
On Santa’s arrival, he is required to build a toy factory with the kids who have also been snatched from Earth 🌏 (no child labour laws on Mars, apparently) but it ends up being sabotaged by Evil ‘Tache and his henchmen, Stobo (Al Nesor) and Shim (Josip Elic).
In the excitement, Kimar’s assistant, Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) dresses like Santa and also gets kidnapped (they think he’s the real deal). Lots of hostage situations litter this plot-line, I think Martians have a lot of issues to work through.
Anyway, there’s an escape from the cave in which Dropo’s being held, the Earth kids get pally with the Martian kids, the Earth kids get homesick, Santa and Dropo save Christmas on Mars and then… well, will Santa ever get back to business on good old Earth, or does he risk disappointing the children of the world? You’ll see.
God, this is some schmaltzy shit. It’s kitsch as fuck which is really the only thing it has going for it. You won’t give a damn about any of the characters, except maybe Mrs. Claus (Doris Rich) who isn’t supposed to be but is the comic relief for me. Momar is sweet and earnest as well, and genuinely gives a damn.
Voldar is probably the hottest Martian on the planet, which isn’t really saying much. The whole thing is instantly forgettable without much to say, other than that we should be greatful for what we have as some people don’t have as much. Which isn’t a bad Christmas message to be fair.
I think I watched this a long time ago and remembered it being a lot more enjoyable. It has its moments of darkness but overall it’s a very American film with a hard candy shell and not an awful lot going on in the centre. Does anyone want my DVD?
2/5. Pretty bad. Watch Home Alone again instead.
What did Jill think of her pick? Was it just bonkers enough to keep her interested or is she plotting to have it kidnapped like literally every other character in this movie? Find out here.
A change from the norm this week but still very much on brand, don’t you worry.
It’s Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab‘s 18 month anniversary (phew) this week and since it’s kind of a big deal to us (and hopefully a few of you), we decided we shouldn’t let the occasion pass without sticking a celebratory pin in it.
So this week we both present to you a little glance back at our top 5 favourite movies from our blogs, a couple of absolute turkeys (I feel we may overlap here) and a handful of honorary mentions because some films are just noteworthy in ways that don’t translate into ratings, you feel me?
A special thank you to Jill for thinking this one out logistically, and catching the anniversary. I’ve been feeling fried for the last few weeks and feel as though I’ve brought almost nothing to the table in terms of our collab, hence another Free for All theme this month.
I’m starting to feel brighter and more inspired than ever though, and am excited for this post and our future reviews.
I loved this movie so much when I first saw it and although I haven’t revisited it since, I think of it often. At the time of reviewing it, I accepted that it was imperfect even though I didn’t hesitate to slap a 5/5 rating on it. The ending is disappointing, though I’m not sure Mary could have just walked off to a normal life after everything she’d seen and done, even if I wanted it for her.
I find the body modification community fascinating and wonder how close to the bone this really is. In terms of taking back control and self-expression, it’s a wonderful tale and although you could argue that, in her pursuit of vengeance, our girl becomes just as bad as the perpetrator of the crime that changes her forever, it’s a fantasy and I’m with her all the way. I love the power Mary wields and the ways in which she empowers her clients. Female-centric horror written and directed by women? More please. Ps. Katharine Isabelle, ILY!
This documentary, that follows the bizarre lives of The Angulo Brothers; Bhagavan, Govinda, Jagadisa, Mukunda, Narayana and Krisna, is so special I feel it’s left a lasting impression on my heart. Funnily enough it came up in conversation with a friend earlier this week and our talk made me want to see it again. (BTW, I’ll reveal more soon but I have a very special project coming up and I think you’ll love it).
I often wonder what the boys are up to now, yet I can’t bring myself to look as this film has sealed them in time and left them on a high, despite their weird and wacky inner world. I need to live my life knowing that they’re all fine and happy.
If you enjoy something different, positive and heart-warming, then I can’t recommend this enough. (I’ve deliberately told you nothing here so you go in with no information. Trust me, it’s worth it).
I had to choose Wetlands for it’s sheer audacity. It feels like a film designed purely to shit stir. So much of it is ripe for a disgusted reaction; that’s exactly what it wants and gets x 1000. It is refreshing that our protagonist is not bound by the usual rules of femininity though, I have to say that. She’s crazy for sex, will try anything once and doesn’t give a flying fuck about being ladylike. It must have been so fun for it’s lead Carla Juri to play this part.
I’ve just bought the book on which the film is based and I hope to pick up soon. I’m curious to see if it’s even more graphic that its movie counterpart. Here’s hoping?
I really enjoyed this truly bizarre anti-romance starring Elisabeth Moss and Mark Duplass, about a couple working on getting
back that loving feeling, if only their alternate reality selves don’t fuck it up first. Yeah. This is one you have to follow carefully but it’s interesting film-making with great performances and a Make You Think ending, which is kind of bleak when you really consider it.
Part of the reason I love this movie is because I saw it around the same time as Coherence (2013) which is another alternative reality movie (on a smaller budget) that really messes with your mind. Don’t expect the ending to be spelt out for you in either film, both leave you genuinely wondering what the fuck has happened and how.
This film is one of the saddest I’ve seen in recent years with such a powerful message. Passing comment on sexism and ageism, it paints a stark picture of the future, where women of a ‘certain age’ are no longer useful unless they’re willing to sell their eggs (in this era, healthy eggs are like gold dust, see).
Our heroine, Gwen feels forced to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to give her daughter Jules the very best shot at a future and it’s more dramatic than you can possibly imagine, with consequences that will change both their lives forever. The film is fantastic, with excellent acting and if it doesn’t send you hurtling into the arms of your loved ones by the credits, then I don’t know what will.
Pop on over to Jill‘s to check out her contribution to our Top Ten favourite movies (we each picked five). I agree with each of the ones she’s chosen.
Now to my Worst!
A look back at some right turkeys:
Monkey’s Paw (2013) Without question (and I know Jill will mention it too), our worst film to date. It’s a re-imagining of W.W. Jacobs’ infamous supernatural short story and believe me, spend your time re-reading that five times instead.
This movie is painful to watch, with appalling acting and shit effects. In fact, you’ll be so miserable it’ll have you longing for a paw of your own to wish the pain away. Don’t bother, please. We’ve taken the hit so you don’t have to.
3 Women(1977) This film is odd as fuck, I won’t lie and it feels like it’s ten years long.All I really took from Robert Altman‘s 3 Women is that Shelley Duvallshould have stayed in the seventies as the aesthetic suits her so well, and vagina mosaics are timeless.
Down to You (2000)
Teen wank but of the worst kind. And here was me thinking I would never meet a highschool/college movie I didn’t like. WRONG!
This gets a nod because it’s hysterical in every way. Film wise it’s horrible but oddly only when it ventures into Buffy territory. Could have been excellent, instead it’s good bad gone mad. I will always watch a mermaid movie if it’s offered to me IDGAF!
It’s a shame in some respects that Lizzie Borden didn’t take an ax to the only copy of this film, thus rendering it extinct. However, we’ve not been that lucky. I’ve included Lizzie because Ricci plays her with such relish but in the end, apart from a little bit of face hacking, this tumbles into a courtroom drama and gets rather dull. Shame, as I love the Lizzie Borden story!
I love love love love love deliciously horrid Julia from the first two Hellraiser movies (played by Clare Higgins). Unfortch, the lack of evil step mum in the subsequent instalments render them not as good. Even if, in Bloodline, we get new Cenobytes, a scenario set during the French Revolution and Pinhead in Space.
Having said that, there are about 69 other Hellraiser movies in the series, so I’m sure we’re not done yet.
So there we have it, 18 months of appalling, bad, horrifying, great, classy, trashy, unbelievable and downright bonkers movies! And many more to come I’m certain of it.
The Collab has opened my eyes to all the wonders of bad cinema, made me expect more from the things I watch (for real though there’s bad bad and bad great, and never forget it). It has allowed me to embrace the one thing I love the very most: cinema. And even more than that, it brought me something I didn’t know I needed (but clearly did): a great friend with similar cinematic tastes.
Happy Birthday and a Half Blog Collab, and to you my blog wife! *raises cocktail glass in manner of Gatsby*
Don’t forget to swing over to wifey’s for her view on our anniversary.
“Frank, that doesn’t even make sense!” ~ Sheriff Martin to Mayor Stahl, which pretty much sums up this film
Don’t let that put you off though.
This is the last instalment in our Shark Month and I’m part sad, part relieved. These damn movies are all starting to blend into one. Next month’s theme is still being decided but whatever happens it will be very, very different.
Until then, let’s focus on this made-for-the Sy Fy Channel special which, for want of a better way to describe it, is bonkers. Seriously, seriously cray balls.
Let’s also take a moment to say see ya later sharks, it’s been real.
IMDB Synopsis: When rednecks on a fishing trip kill a great white shark, its spirit comes back for revenge, and soon turns its sights on the town of Smallport.
Oh god. Oh my actual god. Well, at least the synopsis is a bit different, although every time I think of it, I think of 1990’s Ghost Dad. An interesting little tidbit there for you, if not particularly savoury. I’m sure Ghost Shark is the lesser of the two evils.
We begin with some arsehole fishermen (on the whole are fishermen really this dislikable? They’ve been portrayed very badly in every one of these movies). I say fishermen but there is a female present. Through every fault of their own, this heinous pair (against the wishes of the captain of the boat) manage to torture and kill a great white shark, simply for doing what great white sharks do.
I can’t really understand why the shark sticks around so long, but this isn’t the first time I will seriously question something in the next 90 minutes. The shark is eventually badly injured (via the medium of kaboom), so drifts off to die in a small cave next to a lighthouse, nothing odd about that.
Oh but wait, the cave begins to glow eerily, showing off some weird neon markings on the wall. What does it mean?
Well it means this isn’t the end of Sharky’s story (let’s not beat around the bush: he manifests as Ghost Shark) and justice is served piping hot on those nasty killers. Sadly, that includes the innocent captain which is a bit of a shitter as he’s a well-known local in the town of Harmony, with two daughters who are understandably concerned when they find his boat bobbing unattended in the middle of the lagoon (?).
From here it feels more like a shark movie (bikinis, teenagers, flying heads) but I’m pleased to report that, apart from the bitchy Queen Bee of the group, who doesn’t survive this introductory scene, the kids are alright. We have; plucky Ava (Mackenzie Rosman), her sister Cicely (Coe), laid-back potential love interest, Blaise (Davis), quite hot Mayor’s son, Cameron (Mitchell) and joker of the pack, Mick (Shawn C. Phillips).
I have to admit that I was bracing myself for a fat joke or ten at the expense of Mick, who’s a big boy but there weren’t any and that was refreshing to me. Look, you have to take decency where you can find it sometimes.
In fact, although this film does not appear on my favourite website, the Bechdel Test Movie List and I forgot to monitor it myself, it’s clear at all times who the hero of this story is, and it’s Ava. Women (some) tend to fare better in horror than in any other genre, and they particularly excel in shark movies *bicep emoji*.
How many more deaths before someone fucking believes the kids when they say there’s a vengeful shark of the loose, tho?! (FYI if there was a big dog in this film you could legitimately pass it off as a Scooby Doo movie).
Honestly, I can’t thrash back and forth all the way through this review because that will be very dull but there’s a pool party at Cameron’s house to commiserate Vicky’s death (so sweet!). It’s okay though, because everyone knows sharks are sea creatures only. LOL! Carnage ensues and we begin to lose some of the core group.
One of the perks, apparently, of being a ghost shark is that you get to pop out of any body of water to wreak horrible revenge, so absolutely nowhere wet is safe. Bath tubs, taps, puddles, buckets of soapy water being sponged onto sports cars by bikini clad cheerleaders, even cups of water from the cooler – *anywhere*.
Ghost Shark doesn’t even seem mad anymore, he’s just hell bent on killing everybody and I don’t really blame him. Murder never looked so fun and nobody is exempt. Eventually the towns people realise what they have on their hands (duh) and Mayor Stahl (Johnson) who’s very shouty, goes out on a boat with Sheriff Martin (Murphy). He has A. Plan but you can guess how well that turns out.
Meanwhile, Ava and Blaise meet an eccentric museum curator who’s creepy beyond words but also informative – and they find out about an ancient curse placed on the glowing cave (I think, honestly I tuned out a lot towards the end). They then team up with Sean Connery, a mysterious local fisherman, who’s also a drunk and rumoured to have killed his wife.
He tells the kids some more about the cave and they work out what they have to do to destroy Ghost Shark. There’s a big bad showdown at the end and someone wins.
Will the plan work? Did Sean Connery kill his wife after all? Who will make it and who will end up as chum?
Uh. Actually, this isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. I mean, it was almost worth it for the car wash attack alone (the scene itself is so damn gratuitous). In addition to the babes in swimwear, I feel as though the filmmaker did at least try to give this a back story and as mentioned, there was a strong female lead who didn’t have to hook up with the guy to be interesting.
She was steely, spunky and focused, exactly the person you’d want in charge during a ghost shark hunt. Imagine a team of shark hunting women comprised of Ava, Rosie and Nova? You’re welcome Sy-Fy Channel. Jill, perhaps we should write and direct it? (Although they’d only be hunting bad sharks, you understand).
The other characters were okay but not indispensable, Cameron was probably the strongest alongside Ava but I don’t know if that’s just because I fancied him a bit. Besides the bucket bit, my favourite scene was when Blaise finally twigged that as long as they stay away from water, they’ll be okay. Um, YAH.
The effects are horrible which makes them brilliant, the story is beyond stupid but it was entertaining at least.
My Rating: 3/5. It’s no MS Vs. MS but it was gory af and that pleases me.
Did Jill want to wreak bloody revenge on those who wronged her (aka. the director of this movie)? Or… did she like it? Find out here, if you dare!
Ps. If you see this is and enjoy it, there appears to be a sequel…