I had a harder time than necessary choosing a film this week and only because I placed so much pressure on myself.
We were going to do High School Movies Month but that didn’t work out (long boring story), so we’ve gone instead with Plan B, which actually fits our new theme rather well: B Movies.
Remember both Jill and I complaining that our choices recently have been too good? Well, we have been doing that and both welcomed the return of some signature snarking, a skill Jill certainly excels at (for films mostly, I can’t speak for the rest of life).
So enter the bad movie line-up. I was going to go with Sharknado (2013) but thought that seemed too obvious for my first choice, so you get this instead.
*Spoilers* as always.
Director: Benni Diez
Stars: Matt O’Leary, Jessica Cook, Lance Henriksen, Clifton Collins Jr.
IMDB Synopsis: A fancy garden party turns into upper class prey when a colony of killer wasps mutates into foot tall predators.
First up, I love a Creature Feature. The zanier the better as far as I’m concerned, and this bonkers sounding movie has been on my list for ages. But was it worth the wait and did it leave a lasting impression (AKA sting) though? Let’s find out!
Julia has started her own catering business and is understandably keen for her first ‘gig’, a fancy garden party, to go off without a hitch. Nerves make her pretty snippy when it comes to her only other employee, goofy Paul. I think there’s some dialogue at the beginning about her having just lost her father which turns out not to have much bearing on anything, so I’ll assume it’s to give her some depth (uh-huh).
This story has a sting in the tail…
Paul is super into Julia and is actually really good-looking in a sort of Daniel Radcliffey-throw-some-dirt-on-him-and-put-him-in-a-perilous-position-so-he-can-show-himself-to-be-quite-action-hero-ey way, though he’s also very annoying. The fact he likes Julia but she doesn’t like him (or does she secretly, duh) is not going to stop the guy continually trying to get in her knickers though, obvi – and it grows tiresome real quick.
Anyway. Straight off the bat Paul notices that there’s a wasp problem at Mrs. Perch’s (Eve Slatner) sprawling home. They’re pretty huge and aggressive but not so obnoxious that anyone’s that fussed yet. The do seems to be a send off for Mrs. Perch’s dead husband. They have a creepy son too, Sydney (Collins Jr.) who has a drink problem.
During the night, which is going just great (bar the annoying buzzing buggers), Paul befriends Larry (Daniele Rizzo) and they fuck off to get stoned together. Meanwhile, we meet some of the guests, which range from some very odd old men to a highly sexed Cougar who can’t get enough of Paul (but of course). Suddenly, there’s a scream and before we know it, though pesky wasps are stinging guests willy nilly.
I don’t want to spoil the effects for you
Alas, this isn’t like the time I stood on a bee when I was five, these wasps have a nasty affect on their victims and it’s of the chest busting variety. It seems the victims don’t so much become killer wasps as host them for a small amount of time before giving birth to them in hideous and exciting ways.
Shit kicks off real quick as the core cast get themselves back into the house where they batten down the hatches. Unfortch, this doesn’t keep them safe for long and one by one the survivors are picked off. It’s really gross which is definitely one of the best things this film has going for it. Mrs Perch goes first (old = weak, innit), then lovely Flora the housekeeper (Cecilia Pillado) leaving just Julia, Paul, old man Caruthers (Henriksen) and creepy Sydney to fight to the death.
Luckily they’re a solid unit with not even one secret between them. Are they fuck! Sydney is forced to admit that this is all his fault (dead dad’s growth hormones in the fertilizer = giant killer wasps, yo) and what’s more he conceals a sting of his own. No problem though, course that won’t come back to bite anyone on the arse later (or face).
Catering’s a bitch
There’s not an awful lot to play with here in terms of story line but we didn’t come here for depth so it’s best just to focus on the grotesqueness of it all. Wasps make sticky nests and it takes them no time at all to turn the once beautiful mansion into a heap of shit. Plus it’s no party to have one bursting out of your mouth/eye socket/chest so the new decor is somewhat splattered. But whatya gonna do?
Once through the worst of it, all our surviving heroes have to do is find a way out into the open but who knows how they’ll fare? The answer is surprisingly better than expected until Paul is kidnapped by a fucking angry female (of course there was going to be Queen). Will Julia kick ass and go back for him, or will she hightail it out of there as fast as her little catering van can take her? I know what I’d do…
To the questions!
Sidney and date
What the fucking fuck is going on Sidney, you freak?
Who survives anyway? And will you even care or will you zone out a bit because you’re so disappointed that a film about giant killer wasps turned out to be so fucking dull? Asking for a friend.
I don’t even know anymore. There’s a ridiculous climax (or not) at the end and then it’s all over. No lasting effects whatsoever.
Woman up, creep
Paul just really annoyed me trying to touch Julia all the time. If I found myself in a similar situation and someone was trying to paw me, even if it was my own husband, I would have something to say about it. No means no dude, even if the underlying (condescending) message is that she does really. FFS.
When he makes a throwaway comment to one of the men about how Julia should be more grateful I wanted to turn the film off altogether, and go and kick something. Fuck gratitude right now, dude.
It’s nice that Julia gets to save Paul in the end but that scene with the Queen and the larvae is so hideous I nearly puked. I think the gist was that she wanted to plant her babies in Paul. At least that would have made him useful for a bit.
This is supposed to be a horror/comedy FYI but I don’t think I cracked a smile the whole time. Maybe that says something about me?
Later these crazy kids fuck in an ambulance because that’s all you’d want to do, then it’s all over and everyone can go home. Or can they?
Watch if you like or don’t, I don’t mind. I think I can safely say our Too Good Curse has now been lifted, at least for this week.
My Rating: 2.5/5. Points awarded solely for the gore and special effects. May I recommend you go and watch The Fly (1986) instead?
So, what did Jillian think? Was it a B for Brilliant Movie in her book or would she rather kill it dead where it stands with a giant can of Raid? Find out here silly.
Ps. I’ve found an incredible movie for us to watch together in the flesh Jillian, it’s so good/bad a concept I’m not even going to give you a teaser! ❤