Princess Cyd (Film) Review

The last film of Feminist February and as far as I’m concerned we’ve signed off with a bang. A slow and subtle Indie bang but a bang nonetheless.

And, last week’s bland sniffle-fest aside, I think this month has been a success.

*Spoilers*

Princess Cyd (2017)

IMDB Synopsis

Eager to escape life with her depressive single father, 16-year-old athlete Cyd Loughlin visits her novelist aunt in Chicago over the summer.

My Review

We begin Princess Cyd with a 911 recording played over the opening credits, depicting the death of a woman while her child is in the house. This is a blunt introduction to the character of Cyd Loughlin, who we meet 16 years later as a young adult.

Cyd has been sent by her depressed father to stay with her aunt Miranda, the novelist sister of Cyd’s late mother. Miranda has not seen or heard much from Cyd since she was a small child and since she lost her mother so is a little nervous about how things will go. She’s also very comfortable in her own routine.

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When Cyd first arrives, both the women are very polite and although there’s some nervousness, Cyd is curious and asks a lot of questions. While Miranda is an open book, some of the topics broached take her outside her comfort zone. She embraces this though and starts to relax in her niece’s company. Cyd challenges Miranda’s religious beliefs, her sex life and the way she leads her solitary (but not lonely) life. This shakes Miranda up, forcing her to look inward.

Cyd is quite taken with the idea of Miranda and her friend Anthony (James Vincent Meredith) getting it on but Miranda insists this isn’t on the cards. Anyway, Anthony is sort of married.

And while Cyd is settling into her new (temporary) life in Chicago, she meets Katie in a coffee shop and there’s an immediate spark. During a literary gathering at Miranda’s home, Cyd also bonds with Ridley (Matthew Quattrocki). She disappears into a bedroom with him and this causes some mild consternation between our new housemates, even though she doesn’t bang him.

Miranda swears she’s not going to be the person who nags Cyd about her life choices but when Cyd makes a snarky comment about her aunt substituting sex with food, Miranda lets her have it.

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It is not a handicap to have one thing, but not another. To be one way, and not another. We are different shapes and ways, and our happiness is unique. There are no rules of balance. ~ Miranda Ruth

Katie meanwhile finds herself in an awful situation at home and is rescued by Cyd and Miranda. Miranda is kind and understanding, something both young women need and she welcomes Katie into the fold without question. Cyd and Katie get closer and closer; as do niece and aunt. Basically, this is what life looks like without the interference of arsehole men. Even nice ones are not needed here – and as Cyd prepares to go back to her own life, Miranda has her own decisions to make.

What will she decide?

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My Thoughts

Ultimately, this is the sweet tale of a young woman reconnecting with her mother through someone who knew and loved her too, while fulfilling her own need. It’s about the craving for maternal love and it is a love story in many ways, just one of your unconventional, familial ones.

The performances are realistic, warm and convincing – and all three women are likable. At no time is Cyd the destructive mess you might expect her to be, though she has a fucking right. She might be direct at times but she means well. She seems wiser than her sixteen years.

Don’t come into this expecting a rip-roaring ride, because you definitely won’t get that. What you will get is a beautiful rumination on adolescence and learning to do you.

My Rating

4.5 – Gentle and sweet.

What does my very own princess think of this one? Would she let it stay the summer or send it back to daddy? Find out here.

Until next year my pretties #feministfebruary.

Queen of Katwe (Film) Review

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I’m not above admitting that sports movies are not the one for me. Especially chess movies. And yet here I am, gasping and weeping and cheering in all the right places as our 14-year-old heroine kicks the arse of a woman twice her age at the beautiful game. GO PHIONA!

A fine choice by Jill for Feminist Film Week.

*Spoilers*

Queen of Katwe (2016)

IMDB Synopsis

A Ugandan girl sees her world rapidly change after being introduced to the game of chess.

My Review

Phiona Mutesi (Madina Malwanga) lives with her family in the slums of Katwe, Uganda. Times are fucking tough and she’s expected, along with her brother Brian (Martin Kabanza), to get out there and help earn the money to keep them fed and housed.

One day Brian gets talking with a local football coach Robert (David Oyelowo) who notices him sitting on the sidelines of a match being played by the other boys. Brian is adamant that football is dangerous and therefore not something he’s up for. Coach Robert mentions another game that might be more his speed, especially when utilised to drift rich city boys out of their gold watches. Yes, he’s talking about chess – bet you never thought of it in such glamorous terms?

Brian goes along to the local youth center to learn how to play under Robert’s tutelage. Shortly afterwards, Phiona follows and at first is mocked by the other children for her less than hygienic appearance. Girl’s been working, you pricks, cut her some slack. Much to Robert’s delight, Phiona doesn’t run away, instead she beats down the instigator of the teasing and returns the next day freshly showered and ready to learn.

Over the course of several years Phiona proves herself to be a talented and forward-thinking player, able to think eight moves ahead, something only the very great masters are capable of. Shit isn’t easy in Katwe though, not for anyone, not even coach himself.

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Robert earns peanuts teaching sports to underprivileged kids and is ashamed his Engineering degree still doesn’t make him the main breadwinner in his family. His lovely school-teacher wife and baby love him though and frankly, Sara (Esther Tebandeke) is a saint. She embraces Phiona immediately and teaches her to read the chess books Robert has in his collection. The couple get both Brian and Phiona into school on scholarships – and are probably the greatest living humans on this planet.

Phiona’s mother Nakku (Lupita Nyong’o) is a ferocious tigress, struggling to keep her family afloat without resorting to prostituting herself like some of the other ladies in the village. (I’d have cracked on day one personally). She’s also at loggerheads with her stubborn eldest daughter Night, who has run off with the local bad boy.

Nakku is torn between letting her daughter grab opportunity where it’s presented – and being a stone cold realist. And when Phiona, fresh from a string of successes in various tournaments starts showing signs of cockiness, she is eager to shut it down. Will she come round to Phiona’s dreams or will she put her foot down once and for all?

Will Phiona perform as well as she thinks she will in big competition or is it too soon for her? And will the family ever settle in their own home, no longer dependent on the tolerance of indifferent landlords?

Only one way to find out!

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My Thoughts

Sometimes it’s just really nice to watch a feel-good movie. Films like this often pass me by because I prefer my entertainment a little grimier, but I guess the whole point of collaborating with a partner is to try things I wouldn’t normally and I was pleased with this.

A Disney movie, this was always going to be on the wholesome side but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an edge. Lupita is a highlight for me, she is such a star. Malwanga too carries this film with such tenacity that you’re continually rooting for her. I love the chemistry between all the kids in fact.

My Rating

3.5/5. Check flipping mate!

What does the Queen of My Heart think of this one? Would she take it to competition or throw the board in the river? Find out here.

Frances Ha (Film) Review

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“Ahoy, Sexy?” ~ Frances

Welcome to the second best Collab month of the year: Feminist Film Month! And what better way to kick it off than with a film starring one of my all-time fave women in film? The original double G. What a gal.

This movie could possibly be one of the best representations of the hipster cliche too and I only 80% covet the exact same life for myself. (83%).

To the review!

*Spoilers*

Frances Ha (2012)

IMDB Synopsis

A New York woman (who doesn’t really have an apartment) apprentices for a dance company (though she’s not really a dancer) and throws herself headlong into her dreams, even as the possibility of realizing them dwindles.

My Review

Dance company understudy Frances (Gerwig) is in a long-term friendship with Sophie, her BFF and roommate (Mickey Sumner). Things are blissful until France’s boyfriend buys two hypoallergenic cats and asks her to move in with him. Her reluctance to let Sophie down derails the relationship for good and Frances returns to their grainy best friend montages with barely a backward glance.

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Patty Cake: the most hipster of hipster sports

Things change though when Sophie suddenly decides to move into an artists’ house in a different neighbourhood. Gradually she begins to spend her time with other people, including her boyfriend Patch (Patrick Heusinger) and some girl called Lisa (who’s a cunt apparently).

In turn, Frances moves in with her new friends Benji and Lev (Michael Zegen and my boy Adam Driver). Lev is a casual womaniser, while Benji is more to Frances’ speed, a decent Sophie replacement, especially after the two women have a blazing row about Patch.

In the aftermath of their fight, Frances finds herself not really dancing (aka working) and flitting between apartments. For a while she lives with another dancer, who doesn’t share her passion for rough and tumble play-fighting like Sophie does.

When Frances finds out secondhand that Sophie is moving to Japan with Patch, she starts to lose her grip – and on a whim decides to visit Paris for two days. Thus begins one of the most lonely weekend breaks I’ve ever seen committed to the big screen, as Frances tries to hook up with an old friend but keeps missing her and explores the city of lights alone.

During a phone call with Sophie, who’s finally called to tell her the news about Japan, it seems as though the women work it out but Frances’ optimism is manufactured to make Sophie feel better and it makes me want to sob uncontrollably.

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The little matchstick girl, but with books

Back in NYC, Frances loses her position as apprentice with the dance troupe but is offered work in the office instead. She declines and takes off to her old university for the Summer to be a camp counselor (or something similar). Here she bumps into Sophie and Patch of all people and it soon transpires that the pair are back in the US for Patch’s grandfather’s funeral.

Sophie and Frances have a drunken heart to heart in which Sophie admits she isn’t going to marry Patch (the two have gotten engaged) and that she hates Tokyo. She vows to leave Tokyo – and Patch – to return to New York for good and live in the same neighbourhood as Frances but in the cold light of the next morning, she loses her resolve.

After this, Frances slowly starts to pull her own life back together, first accepting the job at the dance company and then taking advice from her former boss, by choreographing her own show. The show is a modest success and Frances receives positive feedback. She finally finds her own apartment and there’s even a hint of romance on the horizon for  her and old friend Benji.

Things are looking up but will she ever get her friendship with Sophie back on track? I’ll leave that for you to find out.

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What Insta filter is this?

My Thoughts

What a zingy script this film has. Frances’ relentless riffing is joyous and clever but also hugely relatable to anyone who has ever felt wildly out of control of their own life. (All of us at one time or another I’m willing to bet).

There are so many quotable lines from this film that it’s almost impossible to pick a favourite. I’ll list a selection at the end.

My favourite thing about this film is that it’s a love story between two friends. Men come and go but the real focus is whether Sophie and Frances will make it. I love it for that. There’s a tragic inevitably to everything too – that whole concept of being left behind while everyone moves on and grows up, it’s terrifying.

All in all this is one of my favourite films and I can even dislike it for how cool and pretentious it could appear to some people. It’s just beautiful and hopeful  and smart. So there.

My Rating

5/5. Ace of base. A real joy of a film from start to finish.

Feminist Rating

4.5/5. ‘Cos it’s about a central female friendship complete with a wonderful reading/knitting scene. Would have been 5 if Sophie had dumped her boyfriend.

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“Hey, Sophie – you’re a ledge-end!”

Fave Quotes

Benji: Are you still undateable?
Frances: Oh yes, very undateable.

Frances: Don’t treat me like a three-hour brunch friend!

Sophie: It’s just this apartment is very… aware of itself.

Frances: But your blog looks so happy.
Sophie: I don’t think my *mom* would read it if it were about depression.
Frances: My mom would.

What did my good lady wife think of Frances Ha? Would she film it flatteringly in B&W or move to Tokyo to get away from it? Find out here.

 

Too Much

 

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Too lazy?

As women we are always told we’re too much of something. Too blokey, too aggressive, too bitchy, too made up – it can be anything but it is always prefixed with ‘too’ like there’s an invisible line on all the things we’re allowed to be so long as we stay successfully behind it. I’m tired.

Me, I am too nervous, too sensitive, too nice (that’s the best one), too loud (did I say these are all subject to featcontradiction?) and too concerned with other people’s opinions. I get too upset when someone says something completely inappropriate and then I am too weak to say anything back (or too shocked). Too cowardly to take it further, too concerned it will be me who comes off worst.

I’m making a stand. I am not too anything. I’m the perfect blend of just right and anyone who thinks otherwise can stick it where the sun don’t shine. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life preoccupied with the opinions of the people that don’t matter.

And before any of “the men” get offended, I know you’re often subject to the same sort of bullshit. But I can bet you’re never too passive or too sensitive. Definitely never too flirty, slutty or stuck up.

So, the question is, what kind of “too” are you? 🙄

Amour Fou (Film) Review

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The penultimate film in our Feminist Film Month and honestly, it’s been an interesting month.

So far this Feb we’ve gone from arranged marriage and friendship than spans cultural ideals to sexy sixties witchcraft. And now we’re examining suicide and inertia in the 19th century. I can only imagine how we’ll sign off the month but I firmly believe it will have to be with a bang, it’s only right. (I do have an idea, don’t you worry, it’s going to be fabulous).

Without further ado, let’s crack on with the suicide pact, shall we?

*Spoilers*

Amour Fou (2014)

Director: Jessica Hausner
Stars: Christian Friedel, Birte Schnoeink, Stephan Grossmann, Sandra Hüller

IMDB Synopsis:

Berlin, the Romantic Era. Young poet Heinrich wishes to conquer the inevitability of death through love but hasn’t found the right person to share this experience with. This changes when he meets Henriette.

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Regarding Heinrich

My Review

Life can be awfully hard, can’t it? Tiring at times and at others, it seems all too pointless. Or at least that’s how whiny poet Heinrich (Friedel) feels. As a result, he has decided he wants to end it all but not in the straight-forward shuffling off this mortal coil on his own sense, of course not.

Our man wants to be assured that one special lady loves him enough to end her life by his side, proving once and for all that death with him is more worthwhile than life with anyone else. Right.

So that gives you an idea of the character of Heinrich who frankly, in the remake of this film which will never come, should be played by Jesse Eisenberg, who shares his fleshy lipped aesthetic and the same irritating air. But that’s an aside.

Heinrich is a man with a plan and his sights are set on his cousin Marie (Hüller), who tolerates his incessant persuasion but is in no way tempted by his offer. I cannot fathom why.

Heinrich is beginning to lose faith when he meets Henriette (Schnoeink) and her family at some social gathering or other. Henriette is married to her husband Vogel (Grossmann) and they have a (dreary) young daughter called Pauline (Paraschiva Dragus).

It may sound odd, but I am not looking for a partner in life. But rather in death. ~ Heinrich

Henriette has a fascination with Heinrich’s poetry, openly expressing an affinity with the leading lady from a particularly distressing piece of prose (she is attacked by a mystery offender who turns out to be the man she’s in love with). This makes her stand out to Heinrich (lucky girl) and the pair form a friendship of sorts. 

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The Battle of the Shit Hats event was in full swing

One afternoon, by the river, Heinrich outlines his desire for Henriette in the clunkiest way imaginable. She is understandably: a) insulted (he tells her nobody loves her and she loves nobody) and b) very against the idea of a joint suicide. Sadly, she doesn’t really have the time to ponder the absurdity of the situation (and his rude breakdown of her character) as shortly after this meeting she is taken ill.

Henriette’s husband Vogel (Grossmann) is a sweet man who genuinely cares for his wife, vowing not to rest until she’s better. This results in him pushing for a proper diagnosis after the family GP fails to pinpoint the problem. Patronisingly, and a little too typically, Henriette’s fainting spells and nervous disposition are dismissed as “Women’s trouble”.

Another diagnosis swiftly follows when the Doc calls for a second opinion but this time it’s bad news. Henriette it turns out has a life-threatening tumour and overhears her husband being told she doesn’t have long left. Information like this tends to change a girl’s outlook and our heroine starts to rethink Heinrich’s offer.

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Sticking her neck out

At first he’s a little frosty about this turn of events, criticising her for not being in it for the right reasons. In short, Heinrich is a brat who wants everything his way. Who knew, eh? He relents in the end (obvs) and the two take off together on a trip to the country. Vogel btw is very pro-sabbatical, believing fresh air will do his poor wife good.

Heinrich carries a case containing two pistols (in case one doesn’t work) and explains to Henriette that he will shoot her before offing himself. It’s all very matter-of-fact but unfortch the plan is derailed when they bump into an old acquaintance of Heinrich’s. This dude assumes the two are lovers and Heinrich freaks the fuck out.

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Dogging, the posh version

Back home and he decides to give Marie one last crack. She is freshly engaged and back from Paris where her beau resides. She cannot be convinced to give up her love and her life to Heinrich, funnily enough. While she agrees that life can be shit and people tiresome, she does not understand why Heinrich can’t just try to see the brighter side.

With all hope of turning Marie around lost, Heinrich once again places all his eggs in Henriette’s basket, persuading her to agree to the suicide pact again. Which she does.

Now, I’m parking this up here because I don’t want to spoil the ending completely. I’d like to leave you guessing as to how this pans out and what becomes of our central characters.

My Thoughts

Well. You can’t accuse this film of being run of the mill, I suppose. The premise is bleak but I find Heinrich’s melancholia quite refreshing in some respects, and the tone too is dripping with malaise. I mean, Heinrich’s not my favourite and I find him extremely self-obsessed and irritating but his ability to be honest about his inertia is quite satisfying.

Nobody tries to talk him out of suicide either which I find interesting, and this says a lot about the characters themselves.

Now to the feminist standpoint. At one point, while talking to house guests (probably about new taxes being enforced across the country), Henriette says (I paraphrase) that she is there to obey and serve her husband. While nobody around her questions this, it does highlight the fact that Henriette does indeed inhabit a very traditional role within the household. She is also one half of a sexless marriage and although she and Vogel share a stable and content companionship, she does not have an awful lot of a say in an awful lot of her life.

So the suicide pact and her behaviour leading up to the film’s conclusion can be construed as evidence of her taking control of her own life. Finally some autonomy! And that’s powerful. Though whether it works out for Henriette is for you to find out.

I think this is a smart film that looks great, has some subtly amusing moments and takes a piece of history and gives it a quirky twist. I think it also has something to say about how easily women are let down by the medical profession, and how easily sickness is explained away by hysteria and women’s issues.

It won’t change my world view or necessarily stick in my memory for very long but it was nice while it lasted.

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“I’m feeling berry sick…”

My Rating

3/5. Quite fun for a film about a suicide pact.

What did Jillian think? Did this film make her question her own mortality or look to the bright side? Find out here. ❤

The Love Witch (Film) Review

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You know when, on first sight, you catch a glimpse of something that speaks to you? Like it was made for your eyes only?

This film is that. It’s probably one of the prettiest things I’ve ever laid eyes on, and then some. But does this love at first sight have the potential to turn into real love?

Read on, lovers! (And just in time for the worst day of the year, too. WOOOO!) 🤢🤢🤢

*Spoilers*

The Love Witch (2016)

Director: Anna Biller
Stars: Samantha Robinson, Jeffrey Vincent Parise, Laura Waddell

IMDB Synopsis: 

A modern-day witch uses spells and magic to get men to fall in love with her, in a tribute to 1960s pulp novels and Technicolor melodramas.

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Positively pink

My Review

Elaine Park (Robinson) is a stone cold fox and new to town. I know it’s shitty to merit a woman solely on her looks but since Elaine’s face is arguably one of her strongest powers, it is worth remarking upon. She’s supernaturally hot and no mistake.

Turns out she is fleeing San Francisco following the mysterious death of her husband, for which she has been questioned by the po po. Taking up residence in the most psychedelic apartment on earth, which belongs to her friend Barbara, she befriends Trisha (Waddell), who lives downstairs (I think).

Even Trisha has to remark upon how pretty Elaine is on first meeting, so I don’t feel so bad. The two women go to tea together at an all female tearoom and get to know each other a little better (not in the hot way). Trish is quite shocked when Elaine lets slip that all she wants in life is to love and be loved, and to serve and reward sexually the lucky man in return.

“You sound as if you’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy!” ~Trish

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“I’m sorry, what were you saying? I seem to have developed a migraine…”

This is an old-fashioned view after all and Trish makes it known that she completely disagrees. It isn’t clear exactly when this movie is set due to the distinctly sixties vibe but still, women have moved on, man and are no longer subservient slaves. You get me?

Elaine soon sets her sights on university professor Wayne (Parise) who takes one look at her and sweeps her up to his cabin in the woods. Like I’ve been saying since the beginning of time, nothing good ever comes from a cabin in the wood, why does nobody ever listen?

Things take a dark turn when Elaine’s sexy love spell goes horribly wrong and she gets what she’s so passionately wished for (for about 5 minutes). I won’t spoiler every little thing but let’s say, only one person leaves the cabin that weekend.

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“Can you dig it?”

There’s a funny scene where Elaine mixes her love potion using her own urine and a used tampon. As she completes the recipe, she muses about men’s aversion to periods. Sadly for our love witch, her spell is flawed but that can’t keep the #1 Fan of True Love™ down for long.

“Women bleed, it’s beautiful. And most men have never even seen a used tampon…” ~Elaine

Along the way we meet some of Elaine’s witchy friends who congregate, much to the consternation of the regulars, at a burlesque club in town. On Amateur Night, our magical queens take to the stage themselves. They appear to be lead by a really creepy wizard type and Barbara (Jennifer Ingrum) is there too.

As I type this I realise that this tale is somewhat light on plot, or if not light, repetitive. Elaine has a pattern and her pattern is love, lose, love, lose, love and lose. I feel her so hard tbh, as will most women. After all, who hasn’t put all their eggs into one man’s basket, only to be let down by his constant bullshit – and then accidentally poisoned him to death had to start all over again?

As the bodies rack up so do the clues, and Elaine is not what you’d call fastidious in her evidence hiding. A hot but dickish police officer, Griff (Gian Keys) is hot on the case of the death of Wayne, whose body has now been discovered, along with a cornucopia of witchy paraphernalia. Soon he’ll have more crime and evidence to add to his caseload, as Elaine claims another victim, this time someone much closer to home.

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“Can’t believe I have to make this potion ‘vegan’, fucking Brighton…”

But first, Griff has some love business to attend to and takes his prime suspect Elaine away for the weekend where they stumble across some sort of medieval orgy and get fake married. Griff is a pig and doesn’t love Elaine, which I know you can’t fake and shouldn’t, but after a confrontation in the club, you’ll hate his commitment phobic arse a lot more.

During this exchange, Elaine is attacked by the anti-witch punters. They try to burn her, proving that it might be modern-day but attitudes towards anyone slightly different, particularly of the witch variety have not moved on one iota. Griff reluctantly saves his fake wife and she wants to reward his white knight heroics in the only way she knows how. Sexily.

There’s an ending in which something happens but I’m not giving it to you. Will Elaine go to prison to face up to her love crimes? Will Griff be punished for being such a fucking melt? Only one way to find out and let me assure you, this is one trip you need to take!

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“I love you to death.”

My Thoughts

Well, this is certainly a refreshing ride and unlike anything I’ve seen since maybe ever? That said, this has shades of The Stepford Wives, Bewitched, Hammer Horror and Russ Meyer woven through it and you can certainly feel the sixties emanating from the screen. Visually you can’t fault it, the soft lense loves Samantha Robinson so much and her Noir-ish yet man-pleasing Elaine is so tongue in cheek she’s destined to become a cult heroine. God I hope so.

I don’t think this film will be for everyone and maybe some won’t get what it’s trying to say but to me it’s a pastiche, a joyful piss take and I really enjoyed myself. From a feminist stand point it takes a different approach to woman power using humour and thank god for that.

Elaine has old skool ideals that may shock but she’s also a man killer, dispensing good for nothings like yesterday’s rubbish. I’d have liked more female solidarity beyond a couple of the witches sitting together at the bar, but bigger picture I guess Elaine is doing good for womankind (thinking about it, I wonder if this film deliberately fails the Bechdel test?). And it goes without saying, but the costumes and sets are stunningly beautiful.

It is overly long though and the medieval/renaissance segment wasn’t really for me, I’ll be honest. Towards the last half an hour my interest started to wane and I’m annoyed about that, I wanted to hand over my five stars no questions asked.

My Rating

3.5/5. Points lost for being too long and losing its impact toward the end. Otherwise, get on it because it really is something else.🔮

Did Jillian feel a love spell was in order or did she fall for Elaine and her story unaided? Find out here.❤️

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Ps. Apparently this does pass the test, when Trish and Elaine aren’t talking about love and men. ✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

 

Things I Won’t Apologise For: a Feminist List

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Wearing make-up

“Most men” don’t like make-up on girls. Most men best believe that no woman spends the money she does on make-up to impress them. It’s maybe a shocking concept but all the women I know enjoy make-up for themselves and other women. Simple, innit?

Make-up for me has always been a form of war paint. I had terrible skin up until about five years ago so some of the things I put on my face were questionable, but men would often ask me why I wore so much foundation and what was wrong with my face?

My complexion got better but I haven’t forgotten those tactless comments from the male sex, like they ever had any right. And don’t get me started on the “black stuff” around my eyes. This is, and always has been my look of choice, and I happen to feel very comfortable with an aesthetic championed by punks and princesses throughout history.

Likewise, I often enjoy being completely naked (and the face too), you think all these natural-look loving men think I look like a goddess then? LOL.

So, gents: If you don’t like foundation, false lashes and brightly coloured lips, don’t fucking wear them!

Having and talking about periods

Women bleed, it’s just how it works. It’s annoying sometimes and often painful but it’s part of the deal and that is that. I won’t pretend I don’t get a kick out of talking graphically about my monthly visitor. The fact that it makes some people (men) feel uncomfortable gives me power.

My husband and I like to think up the most visceral ways to describe being on the blob, though I’ve not found a better one than “Shark Week” yet. Not original obvs but very clever.

While on the subject of periods, I often think of my old best friend and her delight in banging her female partners when they were “on”. There was no squeamishness between them at all and I think we can all take a leaf out of that book. It’s all down to personal taste of course, and there’s no way I feel like doing it on my period all the time but you know what I’m saying. There’s definitely a place for period sex.

Being Fat

Yeah, I’m so not sorry for being fat. I’m not sorry to anybody. I’ve got to the point now that I accept who I am and while I don’t think fat should define a person, I think being body positive is a very important part of who I am and I want to keep going with that. Let’s see where it takes this fine arse, eh?

Being like other girls

Is there a more irritating phrase than “Well, I’m not really like other girls”? Or indeed to hear somebody say it to you. It’s the ultimate backhanded compliment, implying that the rest of your gender sucks arse. They do not suck, the person who says this does. The end.

Talking about sex

This has always been my favourite subject, not least because by talking about it I can work out if I’m doing it right! Ever since my friend Frances asked me loudly across a table in a busy beer garden if I was “a squirter”, I’ve been much more comfortable with sex talk. Ever since I started having incredible sex really.

Before I met my husband, I’d giggle about penises but man, was I having a lot of very disappointing shags. Like, the worst. It should also be said that it pays to be sensitive to the friends who aren’t into similar chat, not everybody wants to hear about banging and cocks.

Masturbating

This is the greatest thing I have ever learned to do. What a gift to be able to give myself an orgasm.

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Speaking up

Sometimes this is hard and sometimes this is something I question but I will never be sorry about calling someone out for saying something I disagree with. I am working constantly on that. A healthy, calm conversation with opposing views can throw up some interesting things to think about.

In contrast though, sometimes there’s no discussion to be had. Rape jokes, blatant misogyny or sexism (and the rest) should be dealt with without ceremony. People don’t have to agree on everything but that kind of talk deserves to be shut down there and then.

Making feminist lists

Sorry, had to.

What are you fed up with apologising for? ❤