Snark Week

tumblr_mxe1k65x7L1qei7a7o1_1280I’ve started this post many times and then deleted the lot. It’s one that is close to my heart hence the deliberation over whether to publish it. In the end though, I want my blog to be a happy place and I think honesty leads one to ultimate happiness in the end.

So I’ll try again.

These days I am about not snarking on people. Other people’s bodies, lifestyles, favourite hip hop record – none of these things are my business and therefore my opinion isn’t really required.

I slip up, of course I do, and in the past (even present) I have said unkind things about people, maybe about what they were wearing or their behaviour, if I haven’t necessarily agreed with it. I have been unkind and it’s no fun admitting that. Yes, I have been mean and ignorant at times.

I think most people have if they think about it. That doesn’t excuse me, I know what I have said or even thought, and I regret all of it. Sometimes, the things I have said have been born purely of my own inadequacies and say everything about me, nothing about the other person.

I think I have changed an incredible amount over the last two years. My core is the same but I like to believe that by stepping away from negative influences (again, not excusing myself), I have been able to work on the areas I don’t like about myself.

I’m not blaming these less-than-healthy connections for my behaviour, it’s more about how I felt about myself at the time.

I think I just want to go on record as a person who has learnt from her mistakes. I’m not suggesting I’m a former yob who’s bullied people and spewed abuse at strangers in the street – I would never and I abhor the cowards who do. I’m just very aware that I can be bitchy and I don’t want to be anymore, about anybody.

I love that things like #honourmycurves and #effyourbeautystandards are becoming prevalent on Twitter and Instagram. I have recently read horrifying accounts from people I love and respect about the things they have endured at the hands of horrible bullies and I hate it.

I’m absolutely with them on their right (and mine) to walk down the street without being stared at or abused. Purple hair, big thighs, Gothic attire or two heads, it’s nobody’s business.

We all need to be nicer and we all need to work on acceptance – of ourselves and of others. I know it’s an idealistic view that we will one day stamp it all out but it can happen. It’s a long old road but I want to be right there when it does.

And to anybody I’ve ever upset with a flyaway comment, I’m sorry. In the past I might have said something behind your back because I have made assumptions about you or because I was being judgemental (or was ‘concerned’ about you) and this is probably worse. I’m sorry.

I’m working really hard on that and won’t be doing it again.

 

Wellness & Wonder

1969397_10153971044655018_1247624656365560236_nI don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but all the exercise and eating well and singing lessons have been part of a bigger picture for me.

I’m calling it ‘Project Me’ but I’ll work on the name,obviously, as part of the whole wellness thing.It’s pretty lame, I know.

Project Me is about making myself better in small ways.

The diet and exercise is a no-brainer: I’m looking to, if not become Miranda Kerr by the Summer then at least be a more toned, confident version of who I am already.

I’m truly not that interested in being smaller, although it would be nice. I’m just looking to whittle my waist back in and not feel like a stranger is walking too close to me only to realise it’s my own bottom behind me. True story.

I like the idea of being a fit fatty (saw it on somebody’s Twitter bio) but this will only work if I can ensure I’m healthy and right now – newsflash! – I’m not as healthy as I could be.Don’t get me wrong I don’t have any health issues, I’m just thinking of the evil BMI, etc (I know it’s a guideline).1610070_10153971065235018_654938086982862426_n

The running has been a huge part of the project, and it hasn’t being going that well. The thing is, I know I get better the more I do it, but I don’t do it as much as I can. And although I have been public about my desire to be a runner, and I want to succeed, I’m still not pushing myself enough.

But this is not just about the physical. I’m working on my inner strengths and mental health too. Hence the singing lessons.

I’m still terrible and although I’m getting more confident as we go along, I still suck. I love it though and my teacher is great.People keep asking me if I’m planning on performing. Erm, no never.

It’s not about anything like that for me, it’s just about doing something I’ve always wanted to.

So, Project Me is about treating my body like a temple (you take cake into temples sometimes, right?), moving as much as possible and trying to enjoy it; and being more positive.

It’s a work in progress.

 

 

 

An Object of Beauty: Getting to Grips With Self Love

I read this cartoon (left) on Facebook yesterday morning. It made me smile.

Of course it simplifies the Body Hate issue somewhat, but I don’t feel it diminishes the message: you wouldn’t starve, verbally abuse or overfeed a pet, would you? So why is it okay to do it to yourself?

Since Self Love is something I have been halfheartedly working towards for the last few months, something about this strip sticks. Plus the simple issue of general Body Standards and how absolutely no woman can win, no matter who she is.

This topic, for me, is a hard one. It’s hard to admit that you are starting to despise parts of yourself, or to admit that the view you have of yourself is out of control; that you feel like The Blob on your very worst days and would happily stay indoors until you have enough strength to fake some confidence.

It’s hard when you read a lot of blogs by so-called ‘plus size’ women (yuk to that phrase) who inspire every day and you know – you know they are right – that we must say fuck off to this unrealistic standard of beauty. Yet, we still beat ourselves up, don’t we?

My relationship with myself is full of contradiction, as most women’s doubtless are. I am happy to be bigger than most of my female friends, yet I’m not happy being *this big*But then, the smaller I get and more I see positive results, the more critical I get of myself. Then there’s the self-sabotage and the panic that I will lose who I am, if I lose the things that make me Me.

Where the fuck does it end? (Spoiler alert: I don’t think it does).

Anyway, this is not all woah is me. I’m here to talk about how I am going to handle my shit. How I propose to start loving myself.

Clue: I’m going to start treating my body like a puppy!

It’s going to be this simple: I will eat good things, but also cake when I feel like it. I will walk everywhere as much as possible. I will ignore that horrible bitchy voice within that tells me I’m a monster.

I will stop comparing myself to others, because that will never end well. I will get on with life, go out. See people.

When it all gets too much, and I find myself throwing insults at the mirror, I am going to remind myself that if my body was an animal, would I speak to it this way? Would I speak to another human being in this fashion? And would I accept it, if someone spoke to me like that? Probably not, so I’m not going to accept this behaviour from myself either.

It stops today!

So what do you do to make yourself feel better when you’re not feeling your best? I’d be interested to know any and all techniques!