This Post Has Teeth – a Look Back on Our Best & Worst Shark Movies 🦈

sharks attack

Late last night (of course) I got inspired to look back on the shark movies Jill and I have reviewed for the blog. It was a lot of fun so I thought, in honour of undoubtedly the best movie of the year opening this weekend, I would revisit them properly in a post.

That movie, to be clear, is The Meg and I’ll be there on Friday clutching my popcorn with the biggest grin on my stupid face. I’ll also be wishing Meghan Lightle was with me because this is a movie ripped straight from our minds, frankly.

Anyway, to the sharks. It’s hard to sort these into order of preference because there’s love in my heart for each of them, no matter how ridiculous.

Planet of the Sharks – 1.5/5

The planet is now mostly ocean and it’s full of angry mutant sharks. It’s a very bad scene, man. Survivors are living on makeshift rigs in the middle of open water just trying to dodge a bloody fate and while it’s far from ideal, some self-made tribes are getting on just fine.

Help might just be at hand when a bunch of plucky scientists rock up but at what cost really? AT WHAT COST?!

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Spears for Fears

Ghost Shark – 3/5

A favourite of mine, Ghost Shark is the tale of a wronged Great White who exacts glorious, witty revenge on the small beach town that let her* down. This might sound familiar but, wait – Ghost Shark is special because she has the power to manifest in any body of water – with hilarious consequences.

An absolute highlight. *I like to think of her as ‘she’.

Sharknado – 2.5/5

I’ve never ventured beyond the first Sharknado but this was a lot of fun to rip apart. Plus, apparently I have a thing for Ian Ziering, who knew?

You probably don’t need me to give you a synopsis on this one, given that it’s one of the most well-known modern shark B-movies but there’s a hurricane heading towards LA and the tornado at the centre of it is spitting out killer sharks. Luckily, sex pot Fin Shepard (geddit) is on hand to save the world and look damn fine while doing it.

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Hey bae (I think this might be from Sharknado 2 but oh well)

Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark – 3.5/5

Sometimes there’s only one way to deal with a problem and that’s to build an identical steel version of that problem – and have both versions fight it out to the death. Throw in a kick-arse central character and you’ve got yourself quite the treat.

I’m not even being insincere when I say this one was pretty okay.

3-Headed Shark Attack – Priceless

What’s better than a shark movie starring Jason Statham? That’s right, a 3-headed shark movie starring DANNY FREAKIN’ TREJO, King of my Heart.

This film has a lot to say about the environmental impact of all that plastic in the ocean and I appreciate it honestly because you don’t always get a message from your straight-to-DVD titles. Triple the heads = triple the fun.

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The announcement of the new Bond received mixed reviews

12 Days of Terror – 3/5

A shark (or two) terrorises the beach one hazy summer while the Jersey Shore tourist board turns a blind eye to the carnage because tourism, yo.

Hot lifeguard Alex isn’t about to let this slide though – and if all this sounds familiar it’s because 12DOT is based on the TRUE STORY that also inspired the Rolls Royce of Shark movies, Jaws. So not bad for a TV movie and it might also be thanks to salty sea dog, Captain (John Rhys-Davies).

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I’m quite sure there will be many more shark movies in our future but until now, enjoy these gems.

What, you’re not already on your way to pick up all these titles now? What’re you waiting for? 🦈🦈🦈

Planet of the Sharks (Film) Review

I’ve interrupted GLOTBC Month to satisfy my own twisted agenda and also celebrate possibly the best international holiday of them all, Shark Week.

I have no idea what this one is like but needless to say, it looks tremendous. FYI there are many shark movies heading to our shores over the next year or so, including but not limited to: Trailer Park Shark, Deep Blue Sea 2 and the incredible sounding, Statham-starring Meg.

I genuinely can’t wait. Until then though, there is this.

Planet of the Sharks (2016)

IMDB Synopsis

In the near future, glacial melting has covered 98% of earth’s landmass. Sharks have flourished and now dominate the planet, operating as one massive school led by a mutated alpha shark.

This can’t be good

My Review

Holy mother of God. Don’t get too excited about this particular planet of sharks. It might be populated with many, many sharks but there isn’t that much actual, satisfying shark action to be had.

There is, however, an awful lot of shoddy CGI and you know what, of course there is. This is a made-for-TV Syfy channel special, so you get exactly what it says on the tin. I’m really not in a very good mood this evening so I’m going to tear this one a new one, even though there are a few areas I enjoyed.

Basically, the world appears to be more or less the exact same set up as Deep Blue Sea but on a smaller budget and a larger circumference. People are scavenging to survive, living on weird rigs made of flimsy materials and being eaten by jumping CGI sharks when they’re too blundering to get out of the way in time.

Junk City is the latest target and one afternoon every single resident is dined upon, apart from one survivor, who’s name I can’t even be bothered to look up. She’s given no lines anyway and does literally nothing, so whatevs. She’s lucky enough to be rescued by weathered hunk (?) Dillon Barrick (Brandon Auret) though who is doing better than most because he has a boat.

He also knows some lady scientists (and one dude) who live on another rig and are working on a rocket that will save the world. The lady scientists are all really hot and serious, and they need some bits of metal (?) to complete the rocket so they end up bartering with a very scary warrior queen called D’amato (Angie Teodora Dick) for said supplies.

Who run the world?

While hanging around D’amato’s rig, she gives them a lesson in how her ‘tribe’ deal with the threat of sharks. FYI it’s genuinely the best scene and it’s all going swimmingly until it suddenly backfires spectacularly. Let’s just say, the film suffers for not having enough D’amato and her dodgy af accent.

Our scientists manage to get away in the fruckus and it’s all good because they’re in a boat. There’s a sort of plan but it backfires when a pilot they know gets eaten. It’s something to do with a volcano beneath the surface of the earth, a detonator and a laser that hasn’t worked for a long time.

All is not lost though, and the plan is soon on again- but now has to be executed by lady scientist/engineer Nichols (Stephanie Beran) on a kiteboard. Other lady scientist Shaw (Lindsay Sullivan) demands that her colleagues Munro (Christia Visser) and Ishiro (John B Swart) boot up the old laser, despite the massive risk to everyone on board the rig.

Shaw’s not messing though and they do as she says. They also share a moment which I actually thought was v. cute. In our rag tag group we also have another dude who’s super annoying, sarcastic and cowardly so I liked him immediately.

*Spoiler*

Oh, and have I mentioned that the team have worked out that all the sharks are being controlled somehow by a mutated Queen Shark (that inexplicably glows bright blue)? They try to manipulate the smaller sharks to turn on her but it doesn’t really work and then their plan turns out a bit lame too, we suffer several casualties and I can’t even remember how it ends.

I think the survivors just float off into the sunset on the boat.

Despite the fact that this is on the lower end of the shark scale in terms of literally everything, and most of the performances are unbelievably bad, some of our actors really give it their all.

It was also dead good to see so many kick ass females in one movie (not you, sole survivor) and in high level positions. I guess nobody gives a shit about giving all the best parts to the girls when it’s going straight to the goggle box, eh?

Apart from a slight twinge of fondness for Munro and Ishiro when they kissed (and awe when Ishiro got busy with some ninja daggers), this was pretty bad. It’s not a good sign I can’t remember the ending. Maybe ignore me trying to put a positive spin on this and watch DBS again.

My Rating

1.5/5. Not the best. Maybe one of the worst. Not you though D’amato (RIP).

What did my Blog Bride thing of this offering? Would she drown it in the shark infested seas or let it come on her boat? Find out here.