Ageing

I posted this on Instagram late Saturday night in a moment of candidness and it got quite a heartwarming response. So I thought, why not share it here? It’s one of the things I think of the most at the moment, the relentless passing of time and how it affects my self-esteem.

I know it’s not something I can stop and I know we all feel this way from time to time, or will feel that way, it’s just a subject close to my heart. So sue me.

IMG_20180217_221136_012You know something? It’s hard getting older. It’s nice getting older but it’s also incredibly hard to come to terms with the fact that you’re not the young sprite you used to be. I’m insecure about being over ten years older than a lot of the people in my life but I like the variety and I feel more energetic and lucky to be able to learn from them too, I would never change it.

I mention my age a lot like a proper grandma but I wouldn’t change it. I’m mostly comfortable in my own skin and it’s so important to embrace who you are. I got to this place via a hundred funny stories, some loss, hardship and good old-fashioned love. Not to mention with (a lot) of help from my friends. Life is amazing and beautiful and it’s mainly down to the people you surround yourself with.

I wouldn’t change a thing, for all the tea in China. And I really love tea. ❤

What are your thoughts?

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40 Women

40 women I admire – in real life, in literature, music, film and from afar.

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Mum // Björk
Lisbeth Salander // Wonder Woman
Maya Angelou // Tora Richardson
Meghan Lightle // Madonna
Kathleen Hanna // Dawn French

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Becky Saunders // Lynne Ramsay
Marilyn Monroe // Lady Gaga
Madeleine Martin // Sofia Coppola
Debbie Harry // Sarah Waters
Kathy Burke // Rihanna

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Victoria Wood // Pam Grier
Uma Thurman // Jane Goldman
Jillian Sandy // Barbra Streisand
Melanie Lynskey // Winona Ryder
The Wachowskis // Yayoi Kusama

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Ana Lily Amirpour // Beyoncé
Tatjana Frankland // Bae Doona 
Dolly Parton // Amy Jump
Julie Newmar // Rosario Dawson 
Carrie Fisher // Kristen Wiig 

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All women always ❤

40 Books

40 books that have shaped my life.

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We Need to Talk About Kevin – Lionel Shriver // Hollywood Wives – Jackie Collins
It – Stephen King // Geek Love – Katherine Dunn
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Stieg Larsson // Never Let Me Go – Kazuo Ishiguro
Filthy: The Weird World of John Waters – Robrt L. Pela // The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
Dark Matter – Michelle Paver // The Secret History – Donna Tartt

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Carrie – Stephen King // The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe – C.S Lewis
Chances – Jackie Collins // Fingersmith – Sarah Waters
The Shining – Stephen King // The Thirteenth Tale – Diana Setterfield
The Little Stranger – Sarah Waters // Lunar Park – Bret Easton Ellis
Night Film – Marisha Pessl // No Country for Old Men – Cormac McCarthy

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American Psycho – Bret Easton Ellis // Wuthering Heights – Emily Brontë
Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert // The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 3/4 – Sue Townsend
Dietland – Sarai Walker // YOU – Caroline Kepnes
Forever… – Judy Blume // Shopgirl – Steve Martin
Carol – Patricia Highsmith // Human Croquet – Kate Atkinson

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A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole // Life of Pi – Yann Martel
Red Dragon – Thomas Harris // Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World – Haruki Murakami
Sharp Objects – Gillian Flynn // Special Topics in Calamity Physics – Marisha Pessl
A Fraction of the Whole – Steve Toltz // Bette and Joan: The Divine Feud – Shaun Considine
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? – Henry Farrell // I am Pilgrim – Terry Hayes

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Another near impossible shortlist!

40 Films

40 films that have shaped my life.

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Flawless (1999) // Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
The Wizard of Oz (1939) // Rent (2005)
True Romance (1993) // Ghost World (2001)
Incendies (2010) // We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)
Watchmen (2009) // Candyman (1992)

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Scream (1996) // The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
The Babadook (2014) // A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014)
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) // Wonder Woman (2017)
Rear Window (1954) // Prisoners (2013)
Psycho (1960) // The Devil’s Rejects (2005)

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The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi (2003) // Spirited Away (2001)
Moulin Rouge! (2001) // What’s Up, Doc? (1972)
Hellraiser (1987) // The Others (2001)
The Shining (1980) // Evil Dead (2013)
Chicago (2002) // Return to Oz (1985)

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Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) // Jaws (1975)
Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) // King Kong (1933)
Love Actually (2003) // Footloose (1984)
Rosemary’s Baby (1968) // Moonlight (2016)
Se7en (1995) // Old Boy (2003)

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It was not easy to narrow this down!

40 Songs

40 songs from the soundtrack of my life.

King of Wishful Thinking – Go West // Hometown Glory – Adele
Ironic – Alanis Morisette // Stronger Than Me – Amy Winehouse
Shine – Years & Years // Glory Box – Portishead
You’re So Cool – Hans Zimmer // Little Bird – Annie Lennox
Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D // Heaven is a Place on Earth – Belinda Carlisle

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Miss you, Gurl

Formation – Beyoncé // Rebel Girl – Bikini Kill
Triumph of a Heart – Björk // Deceptacon – Le Tigre
There’s More to Life Than This – Björk // Big Time Sensuality – Björk
Joga – Björk // Lucky – Britney Spears
I Want it That Way – Backstreet Boys // Good Vibrations – Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch

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Same

Lovely Day – Lou Reed // Hurt – Johnny Cash
Rock the Casbah – The Clash // Last Nite – The Strokes
Close to Me – The Cure // Just Can’t Get Enough – Depeche Mode
Strange Love – Depeche Mode // There is a Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths
The Light – Common // Thriller – Michael Jackson

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Express Yourself – Madonna // Hotline Bling – Drake
Dilemma – Nelly & Kelly Rowland // Creep – TLC
Crazy – Aerosmith // November Rain – Guns N Roses
Insomnia – Faithless // You Got The Love – Florence & the Machine
Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry // Dreaming – Blondie

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Forever inspo

40 Songs playlist here.

Level Fucking Forty 🎉🎉

Well here I am, aged 40.

I’m an adult woman finally, though it could be argued I hit that two decades ago. I’ve never felt like a grown up though – what I do feel is very loved, very sure that who I am has set now, and although I will learn more and more lessons along the way, this is pretty much who I will be until the end. Which is kind of fucking cool.

There’s not much to report since the clock struck midnight on Friday and shoved me into my forties. I don’t feel different. I don’t look different. I am not different.

I still woke up this morning and ate a cold McDonald’s apple pie and watched Netflix in my pants. I read some of my book and I checked my social media on the loo. Later I will dye my hair bright red and do a face mask.

I’m happy and lucky and secure in who I am. I have beautiful friends, great family and cool work mates. I’m an excellent speller and I can write a decent sentence. I wear black kohl around my eyes the same way I did when I was eighteen. I’m heavily tattooed now and that ink is half the reason I love my body more than I ever have.

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I’m overweight and happy. I have anxiety and depression. I miss my dad every day and wish he was here. I had the best childhood. I married my best friend and get a kick out of belonging to him, just not in the ownership sense. He feels like home, is home.

I love the people I surround myself with. Can’t believe sometimes that these talented and interesting people want to spend time with me, although I would choose myself as a friend. I know I’m cool by not being cool at all.

I own art now, my very own piece of perfection by my favourite artist, and in March I’m going to visit my favourite city with my favourite person, courtesy of my family. It’s the city I want to retire to. Maybe I won’t come back. I heard a friend of a friend recently visited Amsterdam and didn’t come back, maybe I won’t either.

I think about how small the world is all the time, and how big. How everything I do is a choice – and I choose this life because it’s good. Every time I beat myself about not owning my own home or having loads of savings or a great career, I remember a line from a short film I once saw about a drag queen who passed away. “I want to live a fulfilling life” (what a beautiful sentiment) – and I know I have too. I will.

I’m brave and scared all the time – I could push myself harder – and maybe I will now I’m here. Maybe I won’t but what I will do is aim for the fulfilling life. When you take everything into consideration, that really is all that matters.

How are you?

Ps. I’m going to celebrate the last few days of November with my 40 favourite things, so watch this space!

#thisis40