Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate (Film) Review

 

Bianca is back and she’s better than ever – is she though? Has this thinly worn narrative hit rock bottom now? I mean let’s face it, the first movie although kind of cute in places, wasn’t a game changer. And apart from the heavenly one-liner: “I’m fuckin’ this cat. You just hold the legs”, I don’t recall that much. Although I do know I had fun – can this deliver at least a little bit of same LOL action?

Hurricane Biance: From Russia With Hate (2018)

IMDB Synopsis

Sequel to the 2016 comedy ‘Hurricane Bianca’.

My Review

This time round our Bianca is tucked safely behind closet doors and Richard (Roy Haylock) is getting on just fine without her. Still teaching in Texas that is and maybe life is a little drab but it’s fine. Things are not going quite so well for Bianca’s arch nemesis Deborah Ward (Rachel Dratch) who has just served hard time for the seduction of half her student class.

She just about to get out of jail and you best believe she’s bitter about how everything went down. Comforted by murderous daydreams about Bianca, Deborah is ready to get out in the world and on with realising her ultimate revenge.

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The Edward Scissorhands re-imagining looked very interesting…

When Stephen (D.J. ‘Shangela’ Pierce) rocks up to visit with their friend Rex (Doug Plaut) in tow, Richard’s life suddenly becomes a lot more dramatic, especially when the duo trick him into bringing Bianca out to play. And when he then gets an invitation to receive a Teacher of the Year award in Russia (as Bianca), what’s a girl to do? Pack up Rex and get her booty to Moscow, I guess.

Will Deborah get even – and will her dippy daughter Carly (Molly Ryman) get the replacement boobs she’s been promised for going along with the frankly ridonculous plan? Well you could say there’s a lot of adventure in store for our enemies, as both sides find themselves on the wrong side of the law and Svetlana Zlopasnost (Dot-Marie Jones) herself, the new Minister of Homosexual Propaganda for Russia.

Will they come together when it matters to save their loved ones from being banished to Siberia? And will they find LGBT+ back up in the most unlikely of places? Sure they will!

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Same, Katya. Hard same.

This film is a goddamn trash heap but it’s still fine by me. This time around we get more Queens for our buck as we enjoy cameos from The Lady Bunny, Mrs. Kasha Davis and Darienne Lake. Not to mention the truly divine Katya Zamolodchikova who’s actually lovely and not too shocking in front of the camera. Shangela seems more relaxed this time around, while Bianca is still the Queen of acerbic wit.

The character of Rex starts off incredibly tiresome but actually grew on me through his interaction with Carly. When Carly starts to get to know Rex, she starts to question why she’s expected to hate the gays and starts pushing back at her mother as a result. I know this is a stupid film but the message is buried in there somewhere and it’s nice to know.

Look, HBFRWH is not likely to find itself on any Best Films of 2018 lists or stick in your memory for long – and it’s rarely funny – but I’ll probably still be first in line for the third installment should we be gifted with one so I say: bring it on.

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Old Spice up your life

My Rating

2/5.

What does my prison bitch think of this one? Would she gladly share a cell with it or throw away the key forever? Find out here.

Icetastrophe (Film) Review

HNR9M6HJillian’s pick this week and a combination of two well-worn genres. That’s Christmas and Sci-fi, obvs. Because isn’t that perfect? Like Fish and, erm, candyfloss (the perfect combo).

Christmas Icetastrophe (2014) AKA just Icetastrophe

Director: Jonathon Winfrey
Stars: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence, Richard Harmon

IMDB Synopsis: A meteorite brings ice and freezing temperatures, which threatens to harm the residents of a small town at Christmas.

My Review:

Charlie Ratchet (honestly) is an impossibly hot dad living in a small town just trying to make a living and stop his evil eyed son Tim from blowing himself up. Separated from his wife Faye (the superbly named Boti Bliss) who lives in the next town along, he’s honestly just too attractive for this world.

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“Yeah I’m just looking forward to kicking back for a few days, eating mince pies, watching Home Alone… you?”

He works for the town mayor Ben Crooge (lol) (played by Mike Dopud), though I’m not sure I know exactly what he does. Something manly, construction/mining? It doesn’t really matter. Ben is not well liked in the town (he is also quite easy on the eye, I won’t lie) but Charlie has to try and bite his tongue because he works for him (I hear you sister!).

This is easier said than done and things get harder (giggle) when we find out Tim is dating Ben’s daughter Marley (Tiera Skovbye). They’re keeping it hush hush though Tim wants to come out as a couple.

I’m p. sure this is because Tim is punching above his weight and Marley knows it but whatever kids, I don’t really care.

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“What do you mean I look like Cyril Sneer from The Raccoons?”

Oh yeah and before we even meet the gang we meet Alex Novak, a mature student obsessed with a meteorite she’s been tracking for some time. Her colleague takes the piss out of her for choosing to spend Christmas Eve working rather than letting her hair down and having a life.

Alex is obviously a bit stupid as she’s supposedly tracking this meteorite so closely, yet fails to warn anybody that it’s about to hit, least of all the small town where Charlie and co are trying to enjoy a jolly Christmassy event in the centre of Main Street.

Just before the meteorite hits, Ben sacks Charlie (for being too good-looking?). I blinked and missed this scene so I’m not sure why, it might be because of Tim and Marley’s relationship. Marley’s brother Scott (Andrew Francis) definitely finds out about them and isn’t best pleased. He’s also a dreadful human being.

So, hit the meteorite does, killing several locals in some wonderfully creative ways and revealing itself to be unlike anything anybody has ever seen before. Like, for a start, it’s all icy and shit, not hot and fiery. Ooooooh!

Ben is a weak little punk and leaves the town Santa to freeze to death when he tries to help a frozen kid, proving to the viewer what a total arse he really is. I sure hope he has the opportunity later to redeem himself…

The town begins to evacuate and head over to the clinic where Charlie’s wife works. But this being a disaster flick means not all goes according to plan.

This happened at some point. Man, he’s COLD

Alex the Scientist turns up, nearly gets killed by the icy fingers of this bizarre natural phenomenon and Charlie then inexplicably decides to put the needs of this idiotic woman ahead of his loved ones. I mean, he’s never met this fool, who’s more than willing to head straight into the eye of the storm (where she will almost certainly perish), and that makes him just as foolish by association.

I’m sorry, we’re all meant to be blown away by how good a man Charlie is but I just thought he was kind of dickish. For a start he sends his son off on his own to make his way to safety. Not the actions of a responsible person, soz Charlie, I don’t care how delightful your jawline is.

Tim does make it to the clinic momentarily but when he the finds out Marley hasn’t arrived he goes rogue and dashes off to find her. Marley meanwhile has stopped with her brother to help a stranded motorist and somehow the two of them end up out in the open. Which is not a good scene, man, not when killer ice crystals are sprouting out of the ground willy-nilly.

I know, you never thought you’d read a sentence like that in your life, did ya?

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“CALL MY FUCKING AGENT!!”

There are deaths left right and centre, some superbly shit special effects (or basically just the one over and over, the aforementioned ice crystals). There are explosions, bonding moments, and lots and lots of snow.

Questions: 

Will Charlie make it out with his beautiful face intact? Will Tim rescue Marley (and will she just STFU for one second PLEASE)? Will Scott get his just desserts (snow cone, anyone?) for being such a prick?

Will Ben come through in the end?

Will ridiculous Alex get her all-important sample of meteorite so she can score Brownie points with whoever still cares?

Will you care? Is this so bad it’s really good? And what happens if you ignore all the advice and eat the yellow snow?!

If you get to the end, you will undoubtedly find the answer to 95% of these questions.

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“Oh hokey cokey cokey…”

My Thoughts:

Sigh. No. Sorry. It was pretty dire. I found myself wishing for an ice shark or something, maybe even a troll, to come crashing through the trees to shake the party up a bit.

The characters annoyed the shit out of me, I didn’t care if any of them lived or died and Charlie didn’t even have the decency to do a shower scene.

So thanks but no thanks, Icetastrophe.

My Rating: 1.5/5. Horrific but my 1.5 is solely for the dude who gets a deadly icicle spear through his throat. God bless him. ❄❄❄

What did my beautiful Christmas angel Jillian think of this hot mess? Find out here if you dare.

❄❄❄

The Mistle-Tones (TV Movie) Review

the-mistle-tones-149032-posterIt’ll be Christmas in less than two weeks, man. How did that happen? I guess I’d better buy a turkey soon…

But instead of doing the chores that matter, I’m fighting off a hangover from Friday night (still) and enjoying the lead up to the big day in my pants. Which means mince pies and this Made for TV Christmas gem.

My choice this week and I deliberately went for something as cheesy as possible. I think I can safely say that I’ve delivered. This is a steaming pile of glittery poo with a sprig of holly on top.

The Mistle-Tones (2012)

Director: Paul Hoen
Stars: Tia Mowry-Hardrict, Tori Spelling

IMDB Synopsis: A talented singer forms a musical group and challenges her rivals to a competition on Christmas Eve.

My Review:

Holly (yes honestly) is a singer who dreams of being part of the local Christmas girl group, The Snow Belles. Her dead mother founded the group you see, over 30 years ago.

Unfortunately, The Belles of Holly’s generation are now run by Queen Bitch, Marci (think a cut-price Regina George played by Tori Spelling) and her band of merry minions.

They’re holding auditions that very morning and even though Holly is running late (cat flushes the toilet then ruins her dress), she makes it just in time to wow the group with her voice, which is predictably that of a wee angel.

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“This isn’t Scrapbookers Anonymous?”

Marci is no fool however and gives the last position in The Belles to the less talented Staci, so as not to be upstaged (sensible). Holly is left gutted and to top it all off, her boss is being kind of anal and dickish. (But he is hot).

Peed off, Holly is driving when she gets the idea to form her own band. Why not right? So she hot foots it into the mall and gets the boss to agree to a talent show, opening up the competition to anyone who fancies entering.

So now all our Holly has to do is put together a group so she can smash the shit out of The Snow Belles once and for all. And she has a week to do so – but where does one find secretly talented individuals at such short notice, hmmm?

Luckily she seems to work in a densely saturated talent factory and enlists Larry from Purchasing (Jason Rogel), Bernie from HR (Megan Kathleen Duffy) and AJ from I’m Not Sure Where (Andy Gala) – all of who can sing but not really dance and have no pizzazz, basically (as they say in the business).

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Missing something, but it’s not denim

How on earth will Holly get around this? While she tries to work it out she ends up in a bar she’s never been to on Karaoke Night, where she bumps into Hot Boss Nick (Jonathon Patrick Moore). Only he’s not acting like her boss, more like Jon Bon Jovi and guess what? He’s goooooooooood.

So Holly finds a (nefarious) way to get him to help the group win Deck the Mall and show The Belles who’s the best.

Questions:

Will Holly become the Ultimate Belle? Will Marci get egg(nog) on her face, as well as her well-deserved comeuppence? What’s her major malfunction anyway?

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“On Wednesdays we wear…” YES WE KNOW

Will Nick help The Mistle-Tones become more than mediocre? And is he doing all this for good reason, AKA because he lurves Holly? What about the promotion he so desperately wants?

Would Holly’s Mum be proud of Holly? And OMG did you know that Holly’s Dad is Reginald VelJohnson (Sargent Powell from Die Hard (1988), no less)?

All these neatly posed questions and more will be tackled, you know the drill.

My Thoughts:

This was terrible but enjoyable.

Sister Sister‘s Tia is likeable enough and I wonder if that’s actually her voice. Pretty sure that Tori’s singing voice isn’t her own but you never know, her dad could definitely afford singing lessons growing up.

I wish Marci had been bitchier and in the film more, a bit more sabotage wouldn’t have gone amiss. It would also have been nice to find out more about what’s made Marci  such a stone cold c—. I have a weird obsession with Tori Spelling, I don’t know why.

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“Overdressed, Moi?”

All in all, this film is what it is but exactly what I wanted on a Sunday afternoon of carb scoffing.

My Rating: 3/5. More bitchiness and general tomfoolery would have pumped the rating right up.

That’s my view, but does Jillian share it? Find out here.